Save Your Marriage With The Small Stuff – Bids For Attention

Stop The Emotional Paper Cuts! Save Your Relationship By Tuning In To The Little Stuff, Like Bids For Attention 

Hey, it’s Dr. John Schinnerer, your go-to shrink back with The Evolved Caveman! Today, it’s just me delivering a killer relationship hack, no interviews needed. Turns out, there’s a magic trick for better relationships, especially with your significant other, and it’s backed by science. Drs. John and Julie Gottman did the legwork and found out that the key to relationship success is ‘turning towards.‘ What does that mean? It’s all about responding to ‘bids for attention’ – those little nudges for connection like a touch, a smile, or even a ‘Can we do the dishes?’ Successful couples respond to these bids 86% of the time, while those heading for splitsville only do so 33% of the time. Ignore these bids and you’ll drown in a sea of paper cuts, accumulating little hurts until your relationship keels over and dies. Your homework: spot those bids, respond positively, and stop letting electronics suck away your attention. This simple habit can transform your relationship magic, and it works with kids and coworkers, too. It’s a game changer, folks!

If you’d like to listen to this episode on Podomatic, click here.

If you’re older than 30 and would like to read through the transcript with your reading glasses, simply read on McDuff!

Save Your Marriage With The Small Stuff – Bids For Attention w/ Dr. John Schinnerer – Transcript

Introduction to Relationship Improvement

Dr. John Schinnerer: Hey everybody, this is Dr. John Schinnerer or your friendly neighborhood shrink back with the latest episode of the Evolved Caveman. And today I’m going to be talking just solo no interview, just a tool for you to incorporate into your relationships at home and at work to improve the quality of those relationships.

So maybe you knew, maybe you didn’t, but there’s one surefire way to improve all of your relationships, particularly the ones at home. With your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, you name it. So what if I were to tell you that there are secrets, scientifically proven tools, that will light up your relationship with your spouse?

Would you be interested? More importantly, would you be willing to learn and practice them? Because as it happens, there are [00:01:00] proven tools that you can learn to improve your relationship with your significant other and even with those at work, but I’m going to focus on your significant other and the same tool that I’m going to share with you here.

It even works with children and co workers, and what’s more, it’s free and simple. And the tool comes from the work of Dr. John and Julie Gottman, the world’s preeminent researchers on couples, what makes couples successful, and what leads to divorce. So what do successful couples do better than those heading towards a divorce?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: This was what Dr. Gottman wanted to figure out. What habits might distinguish between successful and unsuccessful couples. And he followed a group of couples for six years. Roughly half of those couples stayed together while half got divorced. And there was one pretty astonishing difference between these two groups.[00:02:00] 

The Power of Turning Towards

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Counselor for Men: The successful happy couples excelled at turning towards rather than turning away. Successful couples turn towards one another 86 percent of the time, while couples who wound up divorced turn towards only 33 percent of the time. So what’s the secret? The secret is turning towards. All right, so what the hell is turning towards?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: This one piece of data is mind numbing in its simplicity and power. It tells us that there is one really simple habit that you can work on, which will help solidify the health of your marriage. And one simple habit which, if ignored, could lead to the end of your marriage. And this habit has to do with attention.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: Attention is incredibly powerful. It’s really the one thing we’re looking for all day long from people around us. And this one habit is something which you can begin to experiment with [00:03:00] beginning today. And wherever you currently are, you can immediately begin to improve. 

Understanding Bids for Attention

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: And Gottman calls this habit Bids for Attention.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: A bid is any attempt by one person for another person’s attention, affection, or other positive point of connection. In essence, it’s an attempt to connect. A bid might be a touch on the arm, a wink, a smile, a request for help, or a simple ask. Something like, oh honey, did I tell you about the Johnsons today?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: So why are these bids so important? Because when these bids are received negatively, stop pestering me, leave me alone, you’re always interrupting me, or neutrally, Where you just simply ignore the bids and keep your head and eyes buried in your phone. [00:04:00] So when you receive them negatively or when you ignore them, eventually the bids stop.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Counselor for Men: And when the bids stop, communication and connection slowly wither and die. And you can imagine, put yourself in the shoes of the person making the bid for attention thousands and thousands of times. If those bids. are getting met negatively with some annoyance or irritation or neutrally if they’re just being ignored.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: There’s a little hurt that comes with it for the person that’s making the bid. And we know that marriages don’t die typically because of one huge transgression like an affair. Marriages typically die the death by a thousand paper cuts. And these thousand paper cuts are little hurts and being ignored and slights.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: And insults and put downs, and they’re little, [00:05:00] but added up over time, they accumulate and they fill up that negative bucket of emotion. And when they get, when there’s enough of these paper cuts, your framework shifts, your perception, your interpretation of your partner’s actions shift from optimistic and positive to pessimistic and negative.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: And you start to see the worst. In your partner, in their actions, in their intentions, and it’s not necessarily true or false because we can look at someone and find the worst in their actions. We can attribute negative intentions to their actions. We can also do the same. We can do positive attributions.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: They’re both there typically, but one will serve your relationship and one absolutely will not. So how do you spot bids? Bids can happen [00:06:00] quickly. And if you’re not paying attention, you can miss them. What’s more bids often have a secondary meat, pardon me. They often have a secondary meaning hidden just below the surface.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: So here’s a few examples to help you get better at bid spotting. 

Examples of Bids and Their Hidden Meanings

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: So here’s a bid. How do these genes look? The hidden meaning might be something like, may I have your attention? Another bid, can we do the dishes? Hidden meaning, can I have your help? Another bid, I spoke with my mom today. The hidden meaning, can I share with you what was said?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: Another bid might be something like, hey, do you want to play cards? Which means, come play with me. Another bid might be, sit with me on the couch. The hidden meaning there might be something like, come snuggle with me. Another bid might be, man, I had a brutal day at work. The meaning there might be, would you [00:07:00] help me to decompress?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: Another bid finally might be something like, did you hear about, or did I tell you about dot. And the meaning might be, I want to talk to you. So you can miss a bid by turning away. That is to say, ignoring it, not noticing it or responding negatively to it. And I’ve found the biggest barriers to bids are electronic, the phone, video games, and the TV.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: And turning away is hugely problematic for a relationship. If you respond negatively to a bid, at least you have the chance to repair things. If you continually miss bids, if you ignore them, those seem to hurt more. There’s no chance at repairing those typically. Because one of you is just missing the fact that these bids are being made.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: And then, when they accumulate, You run the risk of your loved one bidding for attention somewhere else. 

Responding Positively to Bids

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: How do you want to [00:08:00] respond positively to bids? As always, turning towards starts with paying attention. And now that you’re aware of the idea of bids for attention, you can begin to pay more attention and look for them.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: Once you’re aware of these bids being made, it’s an easy matter to make the effort to tune in and respond positively. Something like, oh, tell me all about it. Or, I’d love to hear. Or could you give me a moment and then I can give you my full attention. To start, keep it simple. Ask yourself, am I closer to the 33 percent or am I closer to 86%?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: Where would you like to be? And remember, it doesn’t matter where you start. You could be at 25%. As long as you start and make effort towards turning towards these bids for attention, you will improve and eventually you’ll get higher and higher and you’ll reap the rewards in the, in your relationship.

Overcoming Barriers and Final Thoughts

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Counselor for Men: What’s more during disagreements, ask yourself, am I [00:09:00] turning towards or am I turning away? And oftentimes in disagreements, I have to look at my own anger and my defensiveness. To try and get past that to turn towards and sometimes it might take me a little bit of time, but if I can focus on my breath.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: remind myself to calm down, remind myself that my partner’s intentions are good, remind myself that my partner wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, I can often get past the anger and defensiveness pretty quickly to turn towards once again. So begin turning into the bids of those around you. Be curious about the hidden meaning beneath the bid.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: Let go of any annoyance you might have at a bid, because that’s something that a lot of us men have in particular. We’ll be, I remember I was writing my book and I would get way deep in my attention into a chapter and one of my kids who were pretty small at the time, they were young, they would come up and say, Hey dad.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Best Counselor for Men: And it [00:10:00] was a, it took a tremendous amount of energy and focus to pull out of my writing, turn towards them and say, Yes, and then it took a tremendous amount of attention to go back into the writing and at times I would get annoyed at the interruptions. So I tried to minimize the eruptions by for instance writing somewhere else or locking myself in my office.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Best Therapist for Men: But you can also let go of the annoyance by not thinking of it as an interruption. But think of it as a courageous attempt to connect with you. People desperately want to connect with you. And it’s important because we men are battling an epidemic of loneliness. We have not been very good at sustaining many long term relationships, particularly friendships.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: So we need to be more open. We need to turn towards these bids for attention. You can even ask yourself how it feels to have your partner turn towards you when you make a [00:11:00] bid. So it’s simple, but not easy. With many of these ideas, that’s often the case. It does take a bit of attention and effort, and you will find over time That it’s worth it.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Best Therapist for Men: So this is dr John with the evolved caveman with your simple tool of the week. I hope this has been helpful to you. This is dr John signing off. Bye