The 5 Realms of Self-Worth — Why Feeling “Enough” Changes Everything

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The 5 Realms of Self-Worth — Why Feeling “Enough” Changes Everything – Transcript

Dr. John Schinnerer: Hey there, my fellow evolving caveman, Dr. John here, and today’s topic is one of my favorites lately, self-worth, the hidden variable that controls nearly everything in your life, your relationships, your career, your stress levels, your love life, your choice of partner, even your biology. First, let’s get one thing straight.

Self-esteem does not equal self-worth. We throw those words around like they mean the same thing, but they don’t. So very important to get specific here. Self-esteem is basically the stock market of your ego. It rises and falls with public opinion and performance. So you nail a presentation, your stock goes up, your partner gets upset with you, shame ensues, and your stock plummets.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Self-esteem is externally powered based on achievement and approval from others. Psychologists, Jennifer [00:01:00] Crocker and Connie Wolf call this contingent self-esteem. The research shows that when our value depends on things like success, Instagram likes, or popularity, we become fragile, anxious, defensive, and burned out.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Counseling Coach: It’s based on the idea of conditional love and conditional acceptance. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Performance Coach: You see, most of our parents gave us praise when we performed. Sending the message that our worth is closely connected to how well we perform. So as a kid, you get an A on a test and it’s, oh, good job, Johnny. I’m really proud of you. As a child, you internalize the message that you’re worthy when you do well and by extension, when you don’t do so well, you’re unworthy.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: And you know, keep in mind, this is not to point fingers at or blame parents. Most of them were simply trying their best. This is an explanation of why you developed the way you did. [00:02:00] So it’s not about blame. It’s about figuring out what serves you psychologically, what doesn’t, and how to evolve beyond the things like limiting self beliefs that are holding you back.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Self-worth though is different from self-esteem. It’s internally powered. It’s the quiet, deep conviction that you matter because you exist. Not because you produced, performed, or impressed. Let me say that again. You matter because you exist. This is about unconditional love and acceptance, and if you’re like most of us, you didn’t get this growing up after all.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Marriage Coach: The only creature that loves me unconditionally is my dog. Well, at this point, I’d put joy in that category as well, but she took me nearly 50 years to find. So it’s not about what you’ve done, it’s about who you are. Self-esteem asks, how [00:03:00] am I doing? Self-worth asks, who am I? And am I enough? Even when I’m not doing, am I enough?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Even when I come up short? To which self-worth answers? Yes, you are. One is earned, the other is remembered. You’ve always been worthy. When you were a child. When you were a baby, you knew you were worthy. You’re worthy simply for living, for breathing, for having been born. You don’t need to do anything to be worthy.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: You just are worthy. And when you live from that remembered worth, everything changes. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: So let me go over the five realms of self-worth as I’ve coined it, because these are the five areas where your sense of worth either thrives or circles the toilet. These areas are critical, but only if you wanna live a life of [00:04:00] success, psychological safety, and happiness.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: It’s up to you. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Counselor: Number one, the inner realm, your relationship with yourself. The core question here is, am I enough? As I am? This is the home turf of your inner voice, that running commentary between your two ears. If you run on self-esteem, that voice is usually a critic. You should be doing more. You should be better.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: You’re an idiot. Don’t eat that. You’ll get fat. Nobody likes you. If you run on self-worth, that voice is a coach, a cheerleader, or a good friend. Yeah, you messed up. Sure, but you’re still worthy of love, rest, and respect or ah, you’re feeling a little bit down today. Okay. Be sad for a bit. Take it easy, go a bit slower.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: The mood will lift in a little bit. There was a huge meta-analysis in the psychological bulletin in 2013. [00:05:00] It followed over 77 studies and found low self-esteem, actually predicts future depression and anxiety. It’s not just a symptom, it’s a cause. The way you talk to yourself today literally shapes your emotional health tomorrow.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Speaking to yourself with self-compassion on the other hand, provides greater self-worth, reduces anxiety and depression, improves your physical health, gives you greater emotional resilience. Motivation and reduces defensiveness, thereby improving the quality of your relationships. Let me share another study with you.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Therapist: The study showed that self-compassion predicts stable, unconditional self-worth, and this is from Kristen y Neff in 2009 in the Journal of Personality. This study compared self-compassion and self-esteem in over 2000 adults. They found that self-compassion was associated with more stable [00:06:00] feelings of self-worth that did not depend on external validation, such as success, attractiveness, and social approval.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Marriage Therapist: Why does this matter? While self-esteem often fluctuates with achievements or comparisons, self-compassion provides an unconditional internal anchor. I am worthy because I am human. Not because I performed well. Self-compassion also helps calm the inner critic that fuels anxiety and depression. There was a meta-analysis of 79 studies, which found that higher self-compassion is strongly associated with lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: This is Macbeth and Gurley 2012 in Clinical psychology Review. You see when you respond to yourself with kindness instead of judgment, your brain’s threat system quiets down reducing cortisol and amygdala activation. [00:07:00] That’s the fear response that’s quieting the fight, flight, freeze response. That’s helpful.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Okay. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: The second area of five is the relational realm, your value and connection. The core question here, and this is a big fricking question, am I worthy of love and belonging? And I struggled with this for some time and I had to work on this with my relationship with jewelry. I had to work to believe that I was worthy of the high degree of love that jewelry was bestowing upon.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Marriage Counselor: Low self-worth breeds people pleasing, clinginess, defensiveness, and or emotional armor. You chase validation because you fear you don’t deserve love At the core, you don’t feel worthy of such love. This is always a false narrative. You are worthy of deep love. You simply need to [00:08:00] rewire your brain to believe you’re worthy of it.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: High self-worth says I can be imperfect and still be lovable. Psychologist Sandra Murray and her colleagues found that people with low self-esteem underestimate how positively their partners actually see them. They literally distort love away. They don’t believe it, so they don’t allow it in. So the issue isn’t that you’re unlovable, it’s that you don’t believe it when love shows up.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: This is a critical difference to be aware of. It took me nearly seven years to believe I was worthy of the love that Jo was showering upon me daily. That was my work to believe it, not her work, not relational work. My work,

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: it leads to healthier relationships too. When you treat yourself kindly, you treat others better also. [00:09:00] N and others in 2013. And self and identity showed that self-compassion is linked to greater relational satisfaction. Empathy and secure attachment and secure attachment is key to a happier, more satisfying life and romantic relationship.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: And we know that a safe, secure, romantic relationship is a foundational pillar for a happier and satisfying life. Compassion turned inward, cultivates, compassion focused outward. Reducing defensiveness and enhancing connection. So here’s a quick practice you can play around with every night. Write down three small wins, even if it’s, I didn’t snap at traffic.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Relationship Coach for Men: These little acknowledgements, pardon me. These little acknowledgements were retrain your brain toward worthiness. You’re literally rewiring neural pathways by such simple, yet consistent practices. So the next time you hurt someone, skip the defensive dance and [00:10:00] go for repair. Hey, I see how that landed. I wanna do better.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: I’m really sorry. I hurt your feelings. And then be quiet. Non-defense listening allows for sincere repair. Sincere repair builds connection. Connection builds worth. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Relationship Therapist for Men: The third realm is the achievement realm. You’re worth in doing. The core question here is, must I achieve to deserve respect? This is the realm where most men lose themselves completely.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: We tie our worth in our identity to results. Income, performance status, how good looking the woman is on our arm. It’s a merciless game. The game is you’re only as good as your last achievement, but when your worth depends on achievement. You’re always one failure away from egoic collapse. Crocker and Wolf’s [00:11:00] research found that people who base self-esteem on achievement are more stressed and less happy even when they succeed.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: It’s a treadmill that never stops. Self-worth, on the other hand, lets you work from a sense of value, not for it. You create because it’s meaningful, not because it proves you matter.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Contrary to the myth that self-compassion breeds laziness, it actually increases intrinsic motivation. This is one of the pushbacks I’ve received from some of my male clients over the years. When espousing the idea of self-compassion to them, they say to me, but John, if I’m kind to myself, then I’ll just skip through the daisies and not get any real work done.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: I need that inner critic to yell at me, to motivate me to get shit done. Research shows that’s not the case. Brian’s and Chen in 2012, personality and social psychology bulletin found that self-compassionate individuals were more likely to take responsibility and make amends [00:12:00] after failure. Compassion creates psychological safety, which supports honest self-assessment and increases sustained effort.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: And the key here is the word sustained. That’s the goal. Sustained effort towards your goals over the long haul. 1% progress daily. The practice here is to redefine success. Let’s make it about alignment. Living your values, not about the applause, the adoration, and make sure you schedule rest in downtime like it’s a board meeting because rest says it, ma, I matter even when I’m not producing.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Marriage Coach for Men: Number four, the embodied realm or worth in your body. And the core question here are. Is my body worthy of care, rest, and pleasure is my body worthy of my love and appreciation. Low self-worth shows up in your [00:13:00] physiology, the hunched shoulders, the shallow breath, the clenched jaw, the self hatred of your physical five layer meat sack.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: You can’t hate your body and expect it to feel safe. Being kind to yourself doesn’t just feel better, it heals better. Higher self-compassion predicts healthier behaviors, such as better diet, exercise, sleep, and stress management. This was from the 2015 article in health psychology. Self-compassion lowers physiological stress, which benefits immune and cardiovascular functioning.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: So here’s a quick practice. Right now, take a pause. Notice your body, your breath, your posture, muscle tension, any aches and pains or twinges. Take one slow inhale[00:14:00] 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: and one longer exhale.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: That’s not woo woo, that’s rewiring your nervous system to feel safe again. We have to remind our bodies how to relax. Once again, we once knew this skill as a baby. We forget in our hustle and grind culture, that values doing over being. We must practice deep relaxation skills when things are calm and you feel safe so that you have a better chance to getting back to a state of relaxation when things are tense.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: And number five, the final realm is the existential realm worth in being alive. The core question here is, do I matter in the bigger picture? This realm holds purpose, meaning spirituality, the sense that your life matters, that you are significant. When worth depends on [00:15:00] outcomes, meaning becomes conditional.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Marriage Therapist for Men: I’ll matter when I finally succeed. Or I’ll matter when I’m worth $10 million, but when worth is internal, you already matter. And that frees you to serve others and live in accordance with your meaning and purpose regardless of what others think. The brief practice here is do one act of service each week.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Mentor, someone, volunteer, or simply express gratitude to people around you. Contribution cements your sense of meaning. Look around so you can be aware of what’s meaningful in your life. Perhaps it’s parenting, solving a big scientific question, serving others, lifelong learning, spiritual development, or something else.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: I’ve done several interviews on this podcast about meaning and purpose with some of the [00:16:00] top experts in the world. Michael Steger comes to mind. Personally, I found serving others in its many varieties to be the best foundational value in terms of fueling my happiness and satisfaction with life. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: And in wrapping up, consider the interconnection effect.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: These realms don’t exist in isolation. For example, if you lose your job, in other words, the achievement realm dips. You can withdraw from your partner, so the relational realm dips. Then you can stop exercising also. So the embodied realm dips. Pretty soon your whole system’s off balance and you’re depressed and functioning at a low level, but heal even one realm and things start to improve.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Marriage Counselor for Men: One of my favorite approaches is to start by taking care of your physical body again. That is start moving your body. Walk for five minutes a day, depending on how depressed you are [00:17:00] or how bummed out you are, go to the gym again. Start eating healthier. Take good care of that physical temple that is your body, and then your mood, your relationships, and your purpose start rising together.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: That’s the interconnectedness of worth. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: So here’s the takeaway. Think of self-esteem as the weather. It changes with conditions. It changes by the day, by the hour. It’s unreliable. Self-worth is the climate. It sustains life. It’s predictable. It’s consistent. You don’t have to earn your worth. You simply have to remember it.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: When you stop chasing validation, you start living from authenticity and that, my friends, is emotional evolution. That is being an evolved caveman. If this episode hit home, [00:18:00] please, please, please share it with someone who’s been hustling for their worth, someone that’s been running on the fumes of self-esteem and needs to gas up their self-worth.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: And be sure to connect like an evolved caveman. You can check out the evolved caveman.com or guide to self.com. If you wanna dive deeper, you can check out my online courses from the Ultimate Anger Management to. Anxiety management to positive psychology and living a happier life. Because the goal isn’t to feel better about yourself, it’s to live from your worth.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Relationship Coach: Until next time, stay curious, stay kind, and keep evolving.