Staying calm is step one in combatting authoritarian drift
America isn’t having a political debate. America is having a nervous system collapse.
We’re living inside a culture that feels like fight-or-flight with a microphone—where fear becomes identity, identity becomes rage, and rage becomes normal.
In this episode, Dr. John delivers a ruthless, practical framework for what’s actually driving polarization: our collective “Director of Defense” is running the country—powered by shame, contempt, humiliation, and tribal certainty—while our CEO (the wise adult part of us) gets is bound and gagged in the bathroom.
Because what we’re calling “politics” right now is a culture-wide pattern of fear + humiliation + contempt—a recipe that historically precedes three things:
authoritarian drift, moral collapse, and social violence.
And the most dangerous paradox in America is this: when you fear authoritarianism, you start sounding authoritarian. When you hate moral collapse, you start treating people immorally.
You’ll learn the CEO behaviors that stabilize culture at scale:
- how to stop feeding contempt (the most addictive drug in politics)
- how to model due process when your side is furious
- how to practice nuance as strength, not weakness
- how to lower threat so people can think again
Your job isn’t to be loud.
Your job is to be steady—because the future of democracy is shaped by millions of tiny interactions… and you’re in more of them than you think. If you want less extremism, less dehumanization, and less authoritarian energy, here’s the hard truth:
You don’t get there by embarrassing scared people.
You get there by regulating the room—starting with yourself.
If you’d like to listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, click here.
If you’d rather read through the discussion, the transcript has been provided you below.
America Is Having a Nervous System Breakdown (And We’re Calling It Politics)
I want to start with a confession.
I’m not looking to “win” conversations anymore.
I want to lower the emotional temperature of the country.
Because the background hum in America right now feels like… a nervous system with Complex PTSD. The feeling is like sitting in a restaurant with a war vet who is constantly on the lookout for threat. Every person who comes in the door is a potential enemy.
Politics feels like a cage match.
Online feels like a furnace.
People talk about each other like they’re not human.
And I’m not here to “hack” anybody. I’m not here to manipulate voters. I’m not here to psychologically trick people out of what they believe.
I’m here for a harder job—an adult job:
How do we stabilize the nervous system of the American culture?
Because if we don’t—if we keep feeding fear, contempt, rage and tribal certainty—then …
authoritarian drift becomes more plausible.
Violence becomes more frequent.
Economic stress becomes more volatile.
Moral trust collapses.
And truth dies a slow, quiet death.
And here’s the paradox I keep coming back to:
When we are terrified of authoritarianism, we can start acting more authoritarian in tone.
When you’re disgusted by moral decay, you can start treating people immorally.
So today, I want to talk about leadership—inner leadership—at scale. Perhaps the only sane way out of this quagmire we find ourselves in.
The “Inner Leadership Org Chart”
Here’s the model. Using an Internal Family Systems approach, think of your mind like the leadership team of a company. Different roles take the microphone (and take over your mind and actions) depending on what’s happening around you. Some parts carry feelings like fear and grief, some parts protect with anger, contempt and control, and there’s also a calm and cool executive that can listen, regulate, and make wise decisions.
I’m going to use three roles in this discussion today:
The VP of Emotions: This part acts based on fear, grief, hurt, shame, longing, and belonging needs.
The Director of Defense: This part acts out of anger and contempt and is responsible for protection, certainty, control, dominance, and attack.
The CEO: This part is your wise, adult self responsible for steady leadership, long-term thinking, moral restraint, truth over impulse.
And, by my way of seeing things, our main cultural problem right now is this:
Too much public life is being run by the Director of Defense, with not enough CEO.
What’s happening is way too much “Emotional polarization” disguised as simple policy disagreement
Most people think polarization is: “We disagree about policy.”
But there’s something much deeper thing happening. Often without our awareness.
People increasingly feel emotionally repulsed by the other side.
Like:
“They’re not just wrong. They’re dangerous. They’re evil.”
That’s what researchers often call affective polarization—but I’m going to call it something a bit more relatable:
Emotional polarization.
Where emotion becomes identity.
Identity becomes war.
And war becomes normal.
To translate this into our 3 inner parts:
The VP of Emotions gets activated with fear, humiliation, or uncertainty.
The Director of Defense takes the wheel based on anger or rage with thoughts like “Crush them. Humiliate them. Expose them.”
And the CEO gets pushed out of the room and bound and gagged in a bathroom stall.
And once the CEO is gone, the culture loses:
- nuance
- restraint
- repair
- due process
- procedural respect
- a handle on truth and on facts
It loses the things that keep a democracy… democratic.
This happens simultaneously at an individual and a national level.
VP of Emotions: what people are feeling underneath the slogans
Underneath a lot of the anger is pain people don’t know how to name.
Let me translate two phrases people use as if everybody went to college and studied sociology.
Economic displacement means:
The factory closed. My job disappeared, my town got weaker, and nobody cared about us. Kind of like all of Bruce Springsteen’s songs.
Male status collapse means:
A lot of men don’t feel needed or respected anymore—at work, at home, or in society—and they don’t know what to do with that shame. And that shame leads, understandably, to anger. That anger usually gets displaced onto another group, one that is easy to blame and has a hard time standing up for itself. Think immigrants, trans people, and women just for a start.
You can argue policy all day.
But you can’t pretend those feelings aren’t real.
And when the VP of Emotions doesn’t get heard, people go looking for the Director of Defense.
The problem is that when someone says:
“You’ve been ignored.”
“You’ve been mocked.”
“I’ll restore your pride.”
“I’ll punish the people who did this.”
It speaks to their Department of Defense. That’s nervous system first. Politics second.
When people feel threatened and powerless, a strongman style can start to feel attractive. Not because it’s wise—but because it feels like safety, relief, certainty and salvation.
Here’s My Inner Leadership translation:
The VP of Emotions says “We’re not safe. I’m terrified.”
The Director of Defense takes over stating “Give me certainty. Give me safety. Reassure me that it’s not my fault.”
The CEO is bypassed.
So if your goal is to reduce authoritarian drift, here’s the first truth:
You don’t reduce authoritarian energy by humiliating scared people.
Let me repeat that as it’s important…
You don’t combat authoritarianism by embarrassing scared individuals.
Humiliation and embarrassment spike shame.
Shame reinforces and strengthens the Director of Defense.
And the Director of Defense is the doorway which authoritarianism walks through.
Why contempt is gasoline for the Director of Defense
Let’s talk about the Director of Defense.
This role exists to protect. It’s not evil. It’s not “toxic masculinity.” It’s an age-old system built for safety. And for hundreds of thousands of years, it’s worked. It kept us safe. It allowed our species to survive.
But an unregulated Director of Defense has a favorite drug:
Contempt.
And this drug is highly addictive. Contempt isn’t “I disagree.”
Contempt is “you’re beneath me.” Contempt is “I’m better than you.” Contempt is externalizing all blame onto others. Contempt is an inability to look at one’s own part in the problem. Contempt is energizing.
And once contempt becomes habitual, repair becomes nearly impossible.
In the best of times, culture is a relational network of cooperation and altruism. Neighbors care for each other and look out for one another despite cultural, racial or political differences. We care for one another.
But contempt reveals a darker side of the story:
“You’re not worth understanding.”
“There’s no point talking.”
“You’re my enemy.”
“You’re less than me.”
And that hardens the other side’s Director of Defense. As soon as their VP of Emotions gets scared, their Director of Defense takes over as well. Then we have:
Protector vs protector.
Director vs director.
Escalation becomes the Apocalypse Now soundtrack of our lives. It might be great music but it leads to terrible ends.
So when I say “stabilize the culture,” I’m saying:
Stop feeding contempt—especially the subtle kind you think is “I’m just telling the truth.”
Truth without dignity is gasoline for political differences and potential violence.
CEO: The missing muscle in modern leadership
Here’s my big idea in one sentence:
Underdeveloped emotional leadership—especially among men in power—shapes national tone by normalizing Director-of-Defense behavior.
Let me repeat that so it can sink in…
Underdeveloped internal emotional leadership—especially among men in power—shapes national tone by normalizing and strengthening Director-of-Defense behaviors.
If you’ve been trained that fear is weakness, sadness is weakness, tenderness is weakness, asking for help is weakness—you don’t become emotionless. You aren’t FREE of your emotions.
You are simply emotionally untrained.
So the VP of Emotions gets bound and gagged, next to the CEO, in the bathroom stall.
And the Director of Defense becomes the public personality.
And then you are highly likely to fall victim to your anger and contempt and think you are being rational. Spoiler alert: You’re not. You’re being led by your emotions.
And when leaders model:
- domination
- humiliation
- certainty without evidence
- “my side is pure / your side is evil”
They train the public to do the same. They encourage the public to think the same.
That becomes national tone. It becomes the emotional zeitgeist.
And national tone shapes what becomes politically possible.
The Solutions: Stabilizing three fears with CEO leadership
There are three main areas of which I’m concerned right now.
1. A risk of drifting towards more and more authoritarianism
2. The possibility of greater moral decline
3. The risk of increasing economic instability
I’m going to give you CEO behaviors to address each of these areas—things you can do in conversations, community, and online—because culture isn’t only made by presidents.
Culture is created by millions of tiny interactions performed by individuals like you and I.
If authoritarian drift is the fear
A) We must model procedural respect (as the CEO protects the rules)
Procedural respect means:
“We follow the rules we agreed to—even when we lose.”
Let me give you two concrete examples:
1. When your side loses an election or a ruling, you say:
“I don’t like the outcome. But I respect the process. We regroup and compete again.” We don’t routinely question the integrity of the process which undermines the publics belief and trust in the system.
2. In any organization you touch—work, neighborhood, school board—you defend the rules, the process:
- people get to speak
- votes get counted
- rules don’t change mid-game
- minority voices aren’t silenced
The CEO protects the game board.
The Director of Defense doesn’t get to flip the table because he or she is losing.
B) Use due process language
To be clear, I want to briefly define due process as I needed a little more clarity about what this really is:
It means the government must follow fair, established legal steps—evidence, hearings, and a neutral process—before it punishes someone.
Now, why is this so important?
Because when a culture stops caring about due process, it becomes a mob culture.
And I want to anchor this with a old story from a place I visited last year that still chills me.
In Lisbon there’s a church called Church of St. Dominic.
That building has survived a tsunami, earthquakes and later a devastating fire. It still stands, scarred, dark, honest. It was destroyed so many times that the Church just said it’s not worth it to rebuild it.
But the deepest scar isn’t the fire.
It’s what happened in 1506.
In the square in front of that church, a terrified, enraged mob turned on “New Christians”—Jews who had been forced to convert to Christianity under threat of death. They were accused, dehumanized, and burned. Hundreds… and many historical estimates go much higher. Days of violence. People being thrown onto bonfires and burned alive by “normal people” whose immoral behaviors were driven by their Director of Defense.
Now—listen closely to why I’m telling you this:
That massacre is what happens when:
the VP of Emotions is flooded by fear
the Director of Defense is unleashed
and the CEO—law, restraint, due process—gets shoved aside
A mob never asks for evidence.
A mob never waits for court.
A mob never says, “Hold on—are we sure?”
So when I say “use due process language,” here are 2 concrete examples of what I mean.
1. Instead of: “Lock them up,”
you say: “If a law was broken, show the evidence and let the courts handle it.”
2. When a scandal breaks, you don’t post the hottest clip first.
You wait. You verify. You allow time for the factual evidence to be collected. You keep the CEO in the room.
Because every time we reward punishment without process, we train the culture toward an authoritarian reflex. We reward our worst unbridled emotions.
C) Practice nuance as strength
Nuance isn’t fancy talk. It’s honesty. Very little in this world is all or nothing, black or white, 0% or 100%. The world exists in shades of gray and in nuance. Humans are simply too complex to be reduced to simple labels.
Here are two examples of what nuance sounds like:
1. “I want secure borders and humane asylum processing.”
2. “I want public safety and civil liberties protected.”
Authoritarian thinking feeds on “either/or.” All or nothing. Right or wrong.
The CEO thinking looks for “both/and.”
D) Hear dissent without labeling
In inner leadership terms, the CEO keeps the room safe.
Let me give two examples:
- Stop using labels to refer to the other side
Instead of “You’re a fascist” or “You’re a communist,” you say:
“What are you worried will happen if your side loses?” You engage in curiosity and respect for everyone, even when difficult.
2. You check your understanding of what the other person is saying before you respond.
Repeat the other person’s view in a way they agree is accurate before you critique it.
That lowers threat. It gives the VP of Emotions air. It keeps the Director of Defense from taking over.
If moral decay is the fear
You stop the performative outrage. And you stop behaviors that lead to moral decay.
Let’s translate jargon again.
Performative outrage means:
“Getting loud and moral online to look good—without doing anything real.”
Moral decay looks like:
- lying for your tribe
- public humiliation as entertainment
- cynicism or believing the worst about others
- treating humans as objects or having a low level of empathy and caring for your fellow human
- Insulting others simply for having a different opinion
The antidote isn’t purity. It’s integrity.
A) Personal integrity
In this one, the CEO chooses truth over a cheap dopamine hit.
Let me give you two examples:
1. You don’t exaggerate facts to win arguments.
2. You refuse to share misleading content—even if it “helps your side.”
B) Non-performative ethics in which the CEO does good without applause
Two examples:
1. You mentor, volunteer, give—without needing credit.
2. You correct privately when possible before shaming publicly.
Let me make this last one real.
A while back, I posted something on Facebook that was pure joy. No politics. No agenda. Just happiness.
I posted about how excited I was for my getting married to Joree.
And an old acquaintance—someone connected to my ex-wife—jumped into the comments and tried to publicly shame me.
She wrote something like, “You should be ashamed,” and implied I was purposefully excluding two of my kids—like I’m out here celebrating while my children are suffering because of me.
Now listen… this hits on a level that most people don’t understand unless they’ve lived some version of family alienation.
Because here’s the truth she didn’t know. Or didn’t care to know.
I have four children. One of my kids died. I have a great relationship with my daughter Molly. And the two other children I have are disconnected from me—but this isn’t because I haven’t tried.
I’ve reached out to both of them dozens of times over several years.
I’ve apologized for my part in the disconnection. I’ve owned what’s mine to own. I’ve opened the door. I’ve asked for reconciliation.
And I’ve been met with silence. That’s THEIR choice. I have taken responsibility for what I can. I’ve made peace with their decision.
So when this person chose to shame me publicly, it didn’t help my kids. It didn’t help me. It didn’t create healing.
It did one thing:
It attempted to make me look bad in front of other people. It attempted to make her look good by slamming me in a public forum. I didn’t respond. It wasn’t worth it. I simply deleted her comment. Because she wasn’t looking to understand. She was looking to publicly humiliate me.
That’s what I mean by performative outrage—let me translate that into normal language:
Performative outrage is when someone “acts moral” in public to score points, but not to solve anything.
If she had reached out privately—one message—“Hey, have you thought about your other children? What’s the situation?”—I could have answered with honesty.
But she didn’t want information.
She wanted performative impact. Not substantive , meaningful impact.
Now—here’s the Inner Leadership moment.
In that moment, my VP of Emotions was loud.
Grief. Anger. Shame. Embarrassment. That old familiar helplessness.
And my Director of Defense had a plan:
Humiliate her back. Expose her. Light her up.
Because that’s what the Director of Defense does when it feels attacked:
“Burn them because they burned us.” An eye for an eye. But if we truly were to practice an eye for an eye, the whole world would be blind. And I’ve already lost vision in both eyes for years at a time. I’m not down to play that game.
Because my CEO knows something the Director of Defense forgets:
If I respond in contempt, I become the same sickness I’m trying to heal.
And this is how moral decay spreads:
Not just because one person shames you publicly…
…but because the shamed person becomes the shamer.
That’s the chain reaction.
So CEO-mode asks these questions:
- What’s the outcome I’m responsible for here? What is within my control?
- Is this conversation about repair and dignity—or performance?
- What response keeps my integrity intact?
And here’s what I learned:
- Public shaming never invites reconciliation.
It invites defensiveness.
It invites counterattack.
It invites escalation.
If we want a healthier culture, we have to stop rewarding humiliation and shaming—on every side.
Because humiliation is another addictive drug of the Director of Defense.
And it creates a country full of people who are permanently braced for impact and who are constantly looking for reason to attack.
C) Take accountability when you are wrong
This is how the CEO repairs.
Two examples:
1. “I shared that and I found out later it was wrong. I retract it.”
2. “I came in too hot. That wasn’t leadership. I apologize for what I said.”
D) Refusal to dehumanize opponents because the CEO protects humanity…all of it.
Two examples:
1. You stop using language that strips humanity: “trash,” “animals,” “vermin,” “cultists.”
2. You say out loud: “There are decent people who see this issue differently than I do.”
This doesn’t mean you agree.
It means you refuse moral collapse.
And finally, if economic instability is the fear
A number of us are succumbing to fatalism in our current times.
What is fatalism?
Fatalism means:
“It’s hopeless, nothing matters, so why try.” It’s resignation. It’s hopelessness. It’s apathy.
And it’s where a lot of people in the middle of this political dumpster fire find themselves.
Fatalism is dangerous because it turns people into easy recruits for grievance or victim identity.
Now the stabilizers:
A) Building Competence
The CEO builds resilience, which means returning your physiology to a baseline resting, grounded state as quickly as possible after getting upset, and by building certain competencies.
For example:
1. You strengthen your own fundamentals—skills, habits, emotional regulation—so panic doesn’t run you.
2. You talk issues like an adult: evidence, tradeoffs, real constraints—not scapegoats. You use facts based in reality and science.
B) Look For Ways to Contribute
For example:
1. You support local businesses, apprenticeships, community organizations.
2. You lead a tangible service project that creates visible results.
3. You volunteer for organizations that support your beliefs.
When people feel useful, they’re less vulnerable to extremist recruitment. They have a greater sense of control and autonomy which acts as a buffer in times of uncertainty.
C) Skill-building
The CEO invests in capability.
To illustrate,
1. Learn one practical skill this quarter and teach it to someone else.
2. Encourage younger men to build new capabilities—trade skills, communication skills, relationship skills, discipline—instead of living on internet identity.
D) Mentorship
The CEO upgrades and prepares the next generation.
For example,
1. Mentor one younger person in career pathways or emotional literacy.
2. Challenge hopeless talk with grounded steps: “What’s the next smallest, doable move?”
E) Community cooperation
The CEO reduces threat through real-life contact.
Studies across social psychology show that one of the best ways to reduce racism and other forms of prejudice is real-world contact—especially contact that involves equal status, shared goals, cooperation, and social support. Over time, this kind of contact lowers anxiety, increases empathy, and helps you see the humanity and shared values in the other person.
There’s also evidence in political science that contact and conversation across party lines can reduce emotional polarization (how much we dislike the other side), especially when the conversation is human rather than a debate—though effects can fade over time and may be weaker for the strongest partisans.
Intergroup contact, in plain language, means:
“Spending face-to-face time with people different from you—working, talking, eating, or building something together.”
For instance:
- Host a mixed-background dinner where politics isn’t the main event—make it about stories, family, work, values, and what shaped you.
- Do a joint project across differences: school support, neighborhood cleanups, food drives—anything where you’re shoulder-to-shoulder solving a real problem (shared goal = nervous system safety).
- Have a sit-down with someone of a different political belief and do the “36 Questions” (Fast Friends) exercise.
This specific set of prompts was designed to create closeness through guided, reciprocal self-disclosure.
And while the 36 Questions themselves are best-known for increasing connection and reducing racist beliefs, the strongest direct political evidence is broader: cross-partisan conversations about personal, shared-human topics can reduce emotional polarization.
In Plain English:
If you want less division, stop trying to win people over in debate first. Put the CEO in charge by creating conditions where the VP of Emotions feels safe and the Director of Defense doesn’t have to posture—then trust and openness become possible.
When people share a task, their nervous systems stop scanning each other as threats.
The deeper truth (translated into normal human language)
Here are conditions that often fuel authoritarian surges, in plain language:
Humiliation: people feeling mocked and powerless
Economic displacement: stability disappears, income dries up or becomes nonexistent, and communities hollow out
Men feeling unnecessary: men don’t feel respected/needed and don’t know what to do with the shame, in fact they usually aren’t even aware they are feeling shame
Institutional distrust: people believe the system isn’t fair anymore
Cultural acceleration: everything changes so fast people feel like they can’t keep up, like when AI was introduced. This means:
“The pace of change is so fast people feel like strangers in their own country.”
And when people feel like strangers, they reach for certainty.
That’s when the Director of Defense becomes king. And that’s when people are primed for an authoritarian, strong man leader.
So stabilization isn’t just “better arguments.”
It’s building conditions where:
- people keep dignity
- process feels fair
- truth matters
- and real human contact lowers threat
That’s CEO civilization. That’s our way out of this mess.
Closing — your job isn’t to be loud, it’s to be steady
If you want to stabilize the nervous system of the culture…
Your job isn’t to be the loudest.
Your job is to be the steadiest. The calmest. The most well regulated. The most grounded.
A steady man is a buffer against the Department of Defense.
He can disagree without humiliation.
He can be strong without cruelty.
He can demand accountability without giving into a mob mentality.
He can protect without dehumanizing.
That’s the work.
One room at a time.
One conversation at a time.
Citations for research will be listed in the transcript on TheEvolvedCaveman.com and GuideToSelf.com.
If this episode spoke to you, please, please, please share it with someone you know. Like it on Apple. And spread the word. Our democracy is too important not to. Democracy is saved one small action at a time. Thank you for your attention. Thank you for listening. Until next time, this is Dr. John signing off.
Citations
- Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
- Pettigrew, T. F., & Tropp, L. R. (2006). A meta-analytic test of intergroup contact theory. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 90(5), 751–783. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.90.5.751
- Iyengar, S., Sood, G., & Lelkes, Y. (2012). Affect, not ideology: A social identity perspective on polarization. Public Opinion Quarterly, 76(3), 405–431.
- Santoro, E., & Broockman, D. (2022). The promise and pitfalls of cross-partisan conversations for reducing affective polarization. Science Advances, 8(n), abn5515. https://doi.org/10.1126/sciadv.abn5515
- Thomsen, J. P. F., & Thomsen, A. H. (2023). Intergroup contact reduces affective polarization but not among strong party identifiers. Scandinavian Political Studies. https://doi.org/10.1111/scps.12242
- Sunshine, J., & Tyler, T. R. (2003). The role of procedural justice and legitimacy in shaping public support for policing. Law & Society Review, 37(3), 513–548. https://doi.org/10.1111/1540-5893.3703002
- Tangney, J. P., Wagner, P. E., Fletcher, C., & Gramzow, R. (1992). Shamed into anger? The relation of shame and guilt to anger and self-reported aggression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62(4), 669–675. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.62.4.669
- Logoz, F. L., Eggenberger, L., Komlenac, N., Schneeberger, M., Ehlert, U., & Walther, A. (2023). How do traditional masculinity ideologies and emotional competence relate to aggression and physical domestic violence in cisgender men? Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1100114. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1100114
- Beeney, J. E., Hallquist, M. N., & Wright, A. G. C. (2019). (Review article referencing Gottman’s “Four Horsemen,” including contempt as corrosive). Frontiers / PMC-hosted review (useful as an academic secondary source for contempt dynamics).
Lisbon “due process / mob violence” historical anchors (authoritative history)
- Soyer, F. (2007). The massacre of the New Christians of Lisbon in 1506: A new eyewitness account. Cadernos de Estudos Sefarditas, 7, 221–243. (Estimates ~1,000–4,000 deaths; four days; begins April 19, 1506.)
- VisitPortugal (Official Tourism Board). Memorial to the Victims of the 1506 Massacre (confirms memorial location in the square in front of Igreja de São Domingos).
- Igreja de São Domingos (Lisbon) background (earthquakes 1531 & 1755; major fire 1959; restoration leaving burn marks): Wikipedia summary used only for high-level building timeline; primary historical support is Soyer + official memorial source above.
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