Be A Rock Star In The Bedroom

MOST MEN SUCK IN BED. HERE’S WHY (AND HOW TO FIX IT).

This episode is about to get real uncomfortable for a lot of guys—but if you’re smart, you’ll stick around. Dr. John Schinnerer, a top therapist for men, welcomes Melanie Curtin, a sex researcher, coach, and Stanford grad who has spent years studying what actually makes for great sex. Spoiler alert: Most men aren’t as good in the sack as they think they are.

Melanie has done the research, and the results are… humbling. Turns out, **90% of experienced women say that most men are bad in bed.** Why? Because too many guys are relying on porn playbooks, bad advice, and zero communication.

This conversation is a wake-up call. Melanie breaks down the biggest misconceptions about what makes a man good in bed and how to actually create an experience that makes women want more, not less.

TOPICS WE COVER:

– Why men need to take the lead in creating emotional and physical safety (Hint: this is the key to better sex)
– How most men massively underestimate the time women need for arousal
– Why presence and attention throughout the day—not just in bed—are the real foreplay
– How to take feedback from your partner like a man instead of a fragile ego bomb
– Why your porn-inspired techniques are likely doing more harm than good
– What women actually want in the bedroom, based on real data, not locker-room myths

If you’re ready to step up your game in a way that actually matters, Melanie also has a course called Please Her In Bed, where she teaches men how to unlock the mystery of female pleasure based on real, aggregated research from women themselves.

So if you’ve ever wondered whether you’re actually good in bed or just *think* you are, this episode is a must-listen.

To listen to this episode on Podomatic (where all our collective brilliance is stored!), click here.

If you’re old school (and not a member of Gen Z!), you can read the transcript below (don’t forget the readers!)…

How Men Can Get Better In Bed w/ Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher & Top Therapist for Men, Dr. John Schinnerer

Introduction and Guest Introduction

Dr. John Schinnerer: Hey, everybody. This is Dr. John back with the latest episode of the Evolved Caveman Podcast. And today, I am really honored and excited to have with me as my guest, Melanie Curtin. And Melanie and I met in New York City several months ago. And Melanie is a sex researcher and coach. And she has a master’s in communication from Stanford.

Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying to yourself, But John, that’s the enemy school (of Cal). I understand, and sometimes we will make exceptions for that if we have a very good person. Go Bears! Melanie is that good person. So Melanie, thank you so much for coming on. How you doing? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Thank you so much for having me. Really happy to be here. 

Melanie’s Journey into Sex Research

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: How did you get into this field of sex research? That question alone fascinates me. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, great question. I feel in a way, it was my calling. And originally, many years ago, I was working to stop sexual abuse in the Jewish community. [00:01:00] And so I had a really good friend who was from one of the more insular communities in New York.

If you’re not from the New York area, there are several Hasidic Jewish communities in Williamsburg and upstate New York that are almost like the Amish. So they’re very insular. And there’s a lot of sexual abuse in those communities. And my friend was a survivor. And we ended up founding a startup nonprofit to stop sexual abuse.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: in those communities. We were training mothers on the signs and symptoms in a Tupperware party format. So we’d have a mom invite other moms to her home and then we would bring in a therapist and we had a four week curriculum. And then at the end, one of the other moms would pick up the baton and we would go to her house next because that community was really afraid of going out or admitting that they were talking about this at all, but it was a really big issue.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I was in that field and basically came to the conclusion that we are never going to stop that issue from that [00:02:00] side of it, from the pathological side of it. We’re only going to stop it if we establish a healthy sexual culture overall. So I switched to the other side of working on that because it felt like the more efficient and effective.

And and essentially the short version is that if adults hold shame around sex they transmit that to the kids and the kids can feel that it’s not okay for them to bring it up. And so they are more likely to stay silent. And there’s more we could go into about that, but that’s the short version of, I was thinking to myself, we need a healthy, open sexual culture, period.

We can’t just hope that. That kids will speak up because that’s not realistic 

Survey Insights and Findings

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: So then what was the methodology that you used to enter into this? How did you get your data? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So I am a writer and I have written for a really long time and Some of my pieces do very well [00:03:00] and I wanted to I basically just wanted to know if other people were having the same problems with sex that I was having and get a broader sort of range.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And the way I started was I wrote an article called, My Top Three Sex Problems as a Woman. And that piece went viral. And I embedded a survey link into that piece and just invited people, men and women, any age, everybody. Just You know, what are your top three problems and I embedded a few more questions into that survey It was rather more comprehensive than just that and I got like god over 5 000 responses something like that.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It was a quite a Lot. And of those, I think about 2200 were complete responses. So some of the data was incomplete, but I parsed it out. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And so let’s get to the question that I’ve been dying to ask. How do how do men[00:04:00] 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Okay, so I love this question for many reasons, but one is that I like most of my research comes from my own curiosity and I was, and I’ve been very sexually active over my life. And so I knew that the number of men that were good in bed in my life. was quite low. If you looked at the percentage, it was really low.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And I was curious to see what other women would say. So I put out a survey And I asked women straight up, how many of the men that you’ve slept with were good in bed? What percentage of men were good in bed? And and then what I did is I basically separated out the women that had a very low data set.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So if you’ve only slept with two men, that’s Yeah, 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: 50%. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Exactly. 50 percent were good and 50 percent were not good. Exactly. So I separated it out to more experienced women, [00:05:00] which I categorized as 20 plus partners and of the experienced women. The vast majority said, 90 percent of men are not good in bed.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, 10 percent are good. 90 percent are not good. And then I Again, it was like one of those. It was a quite comprehensive survey 

Understanding Sexual Communication

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: So then if I can interrupt there because the other thing that comes to mind is what is good 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, so I didn’t qualify that in the question. I wanted women to just respond from their own experience.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And then I got really granular in the rest of the survey as to what it was. What I wanted to know was what are the men that are really good doing? What is the magic sauce? What is it that this many women are reporting is good because I know what I like and I know what makes men good for me.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: But part of my Purpose is to aggregate data [00:06:00] so that I’m not just, guessing. And one of the analogies that I really like to use in my work and with my clients is women are like cars. Okay, so we’re going to set Tesla’s aside for this example, right? Okay. All cars have engines, all cars have transmissions, all cars have spark plugs.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: They all have the same parts, and every car is different. So some cars pull to the left, some cars You know, I had a stick shift car that didn’t reverse. Reverse was, like, a real challenge, and it went other I 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: had a car that wouldn’t start once. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Okay, there you go, turn it on, John.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: The car metaphor is like really awesome when you get into it. So the idea is not that every single car is exactly the same. However, there are best practices in terms of how to drive a car. And that is. I think from all of the work that I do my conclusion is that the way men are learning to drive [00:07:00] cars right now is primarily from porn, and that’s a problem, because they’re learning how to drive the car wrong basically any car.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: Isn’t that just like driving the car into a wall repeatedly? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, it’s it’s it’s like skipping gears, like you’re grinding 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: the gas and the brake at the same time. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah. It’s like you’re grinding the gears cause the car is not warmed up. It’s not ready to be driven. It’s too fast. And we’ll get into that.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: But the basic idea behind the what makes a man good was. What are the answers that women are giving over and over and over? And that’s what I was focused on. And that’s what I, so I created a course based on all of the data called please her in bed. And that’s what it was based on was what are all of these women saying over and over.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And I separated it out into, Some women like this, but there were certain things that kept coming up Which is the which were the four steps that I aggregated out of these are the things that they keep talking about You know the vast [00:08:00] majority of them and you got to know this and this is not What porn is going to show you 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: so what are some of those four steps?

The Four Steps to Pleasing Women

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: so so okay, i’m gonna go over step one because I feel like that’s like the most important one and also To me it was the most surprising one like I didn’t I hadn’t really expected it but it made sense once I figured it out and that is Okay, so i’m gonna i’m gonna say what it is and then i’m gonna explain what it is Okay, the man has to cross the divide.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: He has to cross the divide. So Basically what I kept seeing over and over I asked. This was from another survey that I did about have you ever, what, what’s one thing that you wish you could have told a past partner with no sugarcoating? Okay. So I asked both men and women, this was a data set of over, I think, a thousand.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And I was asking both of them if you, because a lot of us hold back and we’ll talk about that in terms of. communicating with our [00:09:00] partners about sex. And I wanted to know without holding back. I’m a, this is an anonymous survey. I’m a sex researcher. I’m like a confessional. People tell me all the things.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So with no sugarcoating, what do you wish you could have told a past partner about the sex? And I was going through the results and I kept noticing that a lot of the men were saying the same thing and a lot of the women were saying the same thing. So a lot of the men were saying, I need you to tell me what you want.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I need you to tell me what you like, I need you to tell me how to do this, am I doing it right? Are you enjoying this? Like many of their answers were, I need you to, I need you to help me out. Like I need you to tell me, give me some feedback, tell me what’s working, tell me what’s not working, show me while we’re having sex.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: There was a lot of help me, tell me and the women were saying, I wish I could have told you what I needed. I wish I could have told you what I liked. I wish I could have told you how to please me. I wish I could have told you what works for me and more importantly, what doesn’t [00:10:00] work for me. This was very apparent and I call it the divide.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So there’s men on one side being like, I wish you could tell me what you needed. And the women on the other side being like, I wish I could tell you what I needed. And they’re not meeting in the 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: sexual communication gap. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes. And I think that a lot of the time we lump a lot of things under the word communication and I don’t know, dress it up and we’re like, Oh, if we just improve our communication, everything will be fine.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And that’s true. But what I teach is the reasons for the divide. So basically like in. In the research and in my own experience, there are four reasons why women are so terrified to speak up and to send to talk about what they want, especially if it’s something that’s not working for them. For example, he’s fingering them too hard.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Okay. Let’s just [00:11:00] use that as an example. That’s extremely common I’ve slept with a lot of men and it’s extremely common. Partly because that’s what in porn. The first partly I 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Best Therapist for Men: would say because the excitement, the arousal increases. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah. May, maybe I just, I don’t know. I like, like I’m a woman who watches porn and a lot of times they’ll just like, start sticking their fingers up her vagina.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah. Like right away. Hard 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: in the past. Yeah. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah. There’s no warmup, 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: no slow buildup. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Zero. There’s literally zero. Yeah. And I’ve been with men like that many times and this isn’t how you warm up the car. . This isn’t, this is not it. But most of the time I didn’t speak up and most of the time.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Most women are not speaking up I’m going to tell you why so the first reason why women don’t speak up is if i’m basically afraid And that if I say something to my partner ow, actually that kind of hurts, that he’ll say fuck you. You don’t like the way I’m doing it? I won’t do it.[00:12:00] 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So he’ll lash out and attack me. And that is a very real fear for me. I’m quite afraid of that. It does shut me down, keeps me small. And a lot of women also report that as a fear. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And there are some guys that will do that. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And there are men who will do that. Yes, many won’t. Some will.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Okay, the vast majority won’t, but if you get one that does that, it’ll shut you down for the rest. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: That’s right. That’s exactly right. And I agree with you. I think that more aren’t going to respond that way, but the fear is so big that it shuts you down. So that’s fear number one. Fear number two is I’ll speak up and then he won’t say anything.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: He’ll just start pulling away and eventually he’ll go away. He will leave the relationship because he’ll feel criticized. I will lose. My connection. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: It’s interesting. Both of these so far have to do with the fragile male ego 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, and 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: we can’t [00:13:00] receive constructive feedback very well. And sometimes it angers us.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Sometimes it makes us withdraw 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I think that looking at the research I think that more women are afraid of fear number two I think fear number two is the primary fear for women like he won’t lash out He won’t attack me, but he’ll just go away. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And some of that’s that all or nothing thinking I’m not good at sex, fuck you.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Cause that’s I’m not, you’re saying I’m not good. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Exactly. That’s not 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: what I’m saying. We’re just fine tuning. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Exactly. Or I think some, for some men, it’s like screw you. This worked with my last six partners. And to that, I would say, did it though? And I’m being really serious. Yeah, are you sure that it worked or do you think that they might have just been really scared to say Like how like i’m not ready yet.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I’m not wet yet. Like i’m not ready Because it’s so fucking scary to say that that’s the thing that I keep coming back to is it’s so fascinating and part of the reason I created my course was because I was like There’s actually [00:14:00] nowhere that a man can go to get this information or like this quality information because Your partners aren’t telling you, unless you’re really creating a safe space, which we’ll talk about.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: You’re not getting the information from them. 

Men’s Learning and Emotional Connection

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And I did a research survey about where do men learn about sex? Hey guys, where did I did, this was actually cool because I did qualitative interviews, meaning I spent a lot of time. It wasn’t an anonymous survey. I spent, I did 20 qualitative interviews with men.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Like, where did you learn about sex? How did you learn about sex? And a lot of them said porn and partners. And that’s fine if your partners are giving you honest, truthful responses, but if they’re not, then you don’t have actual data. You don’t actually 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Best Therapist for Men: know. And I would say we don’t really learn much from friends either, because what I’ve found in the past looking at the differences in how men and women communicate in groups is men will say something like, Oh yeah, I got laid last night.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: But there’s not much more beyond that. Or I, I made love to my partner [00:15:00] last night. However, we phrase it, but women will go into great detail about what happened. Did you like it? Like where did it happen? And The degree of detail is much deeper in groups of women than it is in groups of men. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, and I think there’s, I think that men have an expectation or they think they should be perfect at this or good at this right away with no adjustments.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And they feel a lot of shame around the idea that maybe they do need some adjustments. I think that, I think there’s something different about women somehow where they’re like, Oh sure, I’ll learn how to give a better blow job. Like I don’t, there’s not as much shame for them around it. And it seems to me like somehow in the conversation, and I’d love to hear your perspective as a man that men feel like I should know how to do this.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I should be good at this already. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: I, it’s funny you say that because I was talking to a sex educator in New York that I mentioned before that we went on the air, who said that, I would give a class on how to give a blow job to women and the course would be packed. There’d be a line out the door and then [00:16:00] I’d give a course on cunnilingus and there’d be like one guy and crickets chirping.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: And so I think there’s almost an embarrassment for us and a pride and men hate to be embarrassed. So we don’t want to admit that we don’t know how it’s just, it’s similar I would say to asking for directions when we’re lost. And the other thing that comes across my mind that fascinates me is I’ve had a lot of talks with men over the years about the first time we’ve had sex and I’ll say, look, I regret the first time I had sex.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: It didn’t mean anything. I didn’t know what I was doing. It wasn’t pleasurable. And almost 90 percent of them will agree. Yeah. I wish I hadn’t. My first time was, is a regret. Like it was just, it was there to get it done and get it over with. It didn’t mean anything. I wish it hadn’t been that way. And then the other piece of data for you, which is fascinating to me.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: is I thought I was the only guy that figured out he doesn’t one night stands that I feel I found. You’re not. What’s that? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: You are definitely not. And 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: so I, I found I need that emotional [00:17:00] connection to have good sex. And without it, I, I could do a one night stand, but afterwards I find, and it’s pleasurable in the moment, don’t get me wrong.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: But afterwards I’m like. I feel a little bit guilty. I feel a little ashamed. I feel a little bit dirty. It just, it’s not, I don’t feel good about myself. And I’ve talked with a bunch of men about this, and the vast majority are exactly the same way. And that blew me away. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, I would argue that more men are like you than not.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And that our culture is super weird about men and sex. And so I 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: think there’s a myth out there about men. Because I think more women now, at least in the Millennials, are more open to having a one night stand than the men. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, maybe. That’s a good question. I should poll my people and see I’m just 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: curious.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: See about that. Because I think this kind of brings up the topic of, at least for me, safety because I work with almost exclusively men. 

Challenges in Sexual Communication

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I work with a lot of men and we don’t talk about sexual safety for men and I have my own me too stories. Don’t get me wrong, [00:18:00] but there is something important about a lot of men need emotional safety and security erection.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: A lot of my clients report not really being able to get it up if they don’t feel emotionally safe. And there’s, I think a lot of shame for men to talk about that. But so I’m an advocate, I’m talking about it because I, I know for my clients, if they don’t feel emotionally good with that woman, especially if she’s angry or shaming, if they’re in a relationship with a woman and she’s angry or shaming, like that’s going to affect the sex.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And we don’t, I feel like we’re at a point, especially in our culture where. If we were to talk about, if a man were to talk about that, I feel like he would be shamed for that. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: It’s funny in the sense, pardon me, that good sex is a deeply emotional act. And we live in a culture where men are socialized to be disconnected from their emotion.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: So where does that leave us? It leaves us with you doing research on it. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, totally. Yeah. I want to keep going with the fears. Yeah, on the [00:19:00] third point. Really important. So the second one is the withdrawal one, like I talked about. The third one is it’s actually I’m afraid that he will judge me as being slutty.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So if like I want you to bend me over I want you to pull my hair. I want you to like kinky stuff there’s still a lot of women that are afraid that if they speak up and they’re really honest He’s gonna think they’re a slut. He’s gonna think that they’re like he’s gonna judge her Less than and this is something I’ve noticed so I hooked up with a guy He was Canadian.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I don’t know if that affects the story, but I just thought I’d mention it He was Canadian. Yes, very polite. He was Canadian and we like We were making out or something and he’s he wanted to go further or whatever. We were like on a couch. We weren’t in my room. And I was like, I don’t really know you yet.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Like I don’t, I, no, like I don’t really know you yet. And later I heard that [00:20:00] he we did end up having sex like a, I don’t know, like a couple of weeks later. But in that interim period, he was talking to a mutual friend and he said, Melanie is a lady. Melanie’s a lady and I remember thinking, see this is the conundrum that I feel like a lot of women are in, is either I can have sex and I can take my pleasure or I can be respected and it’s really hard to believe that you can do both.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And I feel like that is still borne out in some people’s minds. It’s not like a false fear. So I think there’s a lot of women for whom the, they are afraid that if they really speak up about what they want, if they’re assertive about what they want in bed I want it this way.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I want it this way. I want you to touch me lighter. I want you to, that the man will like judge them as slutty. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, it’s, it’s interesting that, if you have sex the first night, then there’s that judgment of, oh yeah, I got lucky, and she’s loose. Or, [00:21:00] and she’s a slut.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: But then if you have to wait, then there’s this judgment of, oh, she’s respectable. And, yeah, I’m not sure how to get past that other than to keep talking about it. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah I also am not I don’t know. I don’t have the answer to that. I think that if you I think it’s, I think essentially what I’ve come to is, which we’ll talk about, is that it really helps when the man leads the conversations.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It really helps when he crosses the divide because it’s so terrifying for women to do it. And I think that can extend to like, I want you to tell me what you like. It turns me on when you tell me what you want. It helps her feel safer to express because one of the quotes from the research was a woman who said, I have no problem telling a one night stand.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Or a fling what I want in sex, but I don’t want my partner to think I’m a dirty whore So this is not just someone that you’re casual with. A lot of women are reporting with their long [00:22:00] term partners, they feel inhibited. They feel like, shit, if I really show my sexual side, he’s gonna, he’s gonna think I’m a slut, even if we’ve been together.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It’s not a conscious fear. It’s not like something that we’re like, we’re aware of it, but it’s a deeper it’s deep. It’s I don’t want to lose his respect. I don’t want to lose him, his love. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: As a man, during sex, to ask questions like, do you like this? Does this feel good? Would you like it lighter?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Would you like it harder? Softer touch? Somewhere different? Those sorts of questions? Or are there other questions? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, what I teach is to lay the groundwork and really Basically, the way that I teach it in the first part of the course is it’s like you’re coaxing a kitty cat into the house.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So you want to make it really safe and you want to like you’re not, the cat’s not just going to come in the house like you’re gonna Lay out a dish of milk and you’re gonna sit around the cat so that it knows you’re safe and you’re not going to attack it. You’re just going to be there for the first few days and you understand that it’s a [00:23:00] process.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Because I think what happens is a lot of men will say what do you want? And then they’ll expect the woman to A, know exactly what she wants, which many women do not because they’re not really sexually empowered yet, and B, that she’ll feel totally free to tell them. It doesn’t work like that.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It’s a process. It’s an opening up process. And part of, I think, the practice for men is I always want to know. I always want to know if something’s working for you. I always want to know if something hurts. And I think it’s really important to name that, the part about it hurting, because in my research and the research of many other sex researchers, the number one sex problem for women is frequently pain.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And that simply doesn’t show up for men, I can tell you, because I’m looking at the data. Very rare. The only thing men talk about pain wise is teeth during blowjobs. That’s basically it. Women it hurts, the fingering hurts the intercourse can hurt. If she’s not warmed up, a lot of it’s [00:24:00] gonna hurt, and most women aren’t warmed up, actually.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: We had a 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: stat earlier I was talking with Jory about the length of time that it takes women to warm up for sex versus men that kind of blew me away. Can you share that? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, so this was a statistic about full physiological arousal, which means, like, all systems go. 

Understanding Male Arousal

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: You’re, like, all the blood is there, like, all the tissues are in chords, everything is fully ready.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And for men, that process takes about seven minutes. So a man can go from zero to full physiological arousal in about seven minutes. If he’s being That long, huh? It’s funny. A lot of men say that. They’re like, I don’t know, dude. It takes me like two 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: minutes. Yeah. Wow. Okay. You got the research, huh? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I think I think a lot of men have perfected the art of masturbating really fast, which, again I actually Hurry up.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I’m going to get caught. Exactly. I totally agree. I think it’s from childhood when you had to do it really fast because you didn’t want to get caught. [00:25:00] And I don’t necessarily I don’t necessarily think that’s healthy and not like I’m telling that it’s bad, but I feel a little sad hearing that I guess is what I’m trying to say.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I’m like that’s really sad. It shouldn’t be something that you’re getting it over with. It should be enjoyed. But anyways, so zero to seven minutes is full physiological arousal. You can also have an orgasm or ejaculate without full physiological arousal. You only need to be so aroused to be able to do that.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: We’re talking about everything’s online. 

Female Arousal: The 45-Minute Journey

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And so women, so men take about seven minutes. And women, they don’t take 14 minutes, which would be twice the time. And they don’t take 21 minutes, which would be three times. They take 45 minutes. To come to full arousal. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Yeah, that’s amazing, 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: which is amazing and sometimes I think men get a little intimidated when I say that because they’re like, oh fuck like That’s a really long time.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: What you know, we got to go to bed and stuff like that And 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: I gotta get to sleep 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: [00:26:00] exactly like that’s so long. First of all, the average sexual encounter is 20 minutes, and like I said, you don’t need to be at full physiological arousal to have sex, even as a woman, but I think it’s a worthy statistic and it’s very worth spending time on because the the differential there is so dramatic that it’s like it’s like, the takeaway for men is like, it takes way longer than you think.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It takes way longer. 

Building Anticipation Throughout the Day

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: But the good news is that it doesn’t have to be all of that time in bed, right? If you come up to her in the kitchen. And let’s say she’s doing dishes and you’re like nuzzling her neck and then walk away and you’re like cleaning the counters or something.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: If you’re, one thing that came up a lot in the research was attention throughout the day. So like texting her or calling her or leaving a little note or something just. And it’s just putting attention on her during the day. Women reported repeatedly that’s arousing to them and that it’s part of the turn on process.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So [00:27:00] the 45 minutes doesn’t have to be all the time between the sheets. I think it’s like one of the guys that went through my course said he was like, it extended my understanding of what sex is and when it takes place. It’s not just, in the bed or over the table. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And I like that idea that the biggest sexual organ in a woman is her brain.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Okay. And so reminding yourself of that, okay, I need to be engaging in flirtatious behavior all day long, ideally every day. One of the favorite things that I do with Jory is. To your point, coming up behind her, grabbing her clothes when she’s doing the dishes and just giving her a kiss on the neck or, sending her flirtatious texts throughout the day.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: I want you. I can’t wait to see you tonight. And that makes the foreplay all day long. And it builds the anticipation. And then the payoff is amazing. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, exactly. And that was another one of those findings that I hadn’t expected. So I was, like, going through the research and I was asking women about, the men that.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Are the best in bed and this kept [00:28:00] coming up was he put attention on me during the day He texted me. He let me know he wanted me he Communicated with me like he told me What turned him on about me and I was like, oh that like I had forgotten that so I always fill out my own surveys So that I can see where the gaps are and everything and when I filled out the survey I didn’t even touch that I was like, I just forgot about it.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: But 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Yeah, I want jory to know she’s desired and adored 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes, and I think that’s what I think that’s what a lot of the men in that have gone through my course have reported Is they’re like, oh I get it now. I get it that turns her on. It’s not just like a nice thing It’s like it’s connected to sexual arousal for women.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Do you I’m curious. Would you say that it’s connected for men as well? 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Absolutely. Yeah, because it’s a building of anticipation. And so I, if I had to put money on it, I might say that it’s a little bit more arousing for women. But I think it’s arousing for both. It might be a little bit different in degree.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: But I think just having the anticipation of, [00:29:00] we’re gonna have sex tonight, I’m gonna make love tonight. There’s something about the game of cat and mouse, of desire, of letting her know she’s desired yeah, of just building sexual anticipation. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Totally. And I really, I think you, I think that from like the research that I’ve done, I think you’re right, that it is more arousing to the female brain and the female system.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Just, I don’t know, it’s just set up that way, but it doesn’t have to be a huge deal. Your ass looked amazing in that skirt when you left the house. That’s enough. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. 

The Importance of Touch and Affection

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It can just be little things, but it’s like one thing that I feel like men should know is that women are like flowers or like plants Right?

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Like you got to water them Throughout like throughout the day throughout the week for them to bloom Like it can’t just be like, once every three weeks or something Like that’s not really going to work as well. And I really think that Knowing what those triggers are for your [00:30:00] partner that do turn them on is really helpful.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And that’s 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And I think the other thing is you want to do these behaviors throughout the day without, sometimes without any expectation of sex. Like this morning, I was just letting Jory know, I was like, your ass looks really hot in those jeans. But there’s no expectation that we’re gonna make love right then.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes, that’s just 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: I’m admiring you when you’re not even aware of it. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes. She does have an amazing ass by the way 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Oh, thank you. Yeah, 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: don’t know if I should say thank you for that

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, no, I, that’s a really good point because that was something that also came up in the research is I don’t women would be like, I don’t just want affection when he wants sex. I want affection more of the time. I crave that and it really helps me feel loved. And when a woman feels loved, she tends to feel turn on faster and easier.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So it’s connected. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Interesting because it’s, the idea of bids for attention comes up that We all [00:31:00] want attention, and if we’re not getting the attention from our partner, if we shut down those bids for attention, I think human nature is that most people will look for the attention elsewhere, and that’s completely within your control.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Just do more bids for attention, let her know that you’re admiring her, that you want her, you desire her, that she looks beautiful, that she looks sexy. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes. Yeah, I think that’s a really good point, especially in long term, in longer term partnerships, because it’s just easy to forget, yeah.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: We get habituated, we get, we take it for granted. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, and I think like one of the guys, so I have basically adapted the course for couples as well. So in my beta, I ran some men through it and most of them were single, but one of them was married. And he had great, a great experience, like week one, he had this really good experience because he was, Yeah, one of those guys is maybe like a little bit [00:32:00] more reserved, and this week was, that week was all about sort of the attention before the sexual encounter, and he had a date night with his wife that week, and he they went to a restaurant or something and he made sure that they sat next to each other instead of across from each other, and he put his hand on her thigh throughout a lot of the meal, and not in I’m gonna fuck you in the bathroom but just I notice you, I’m here I think you’re beautiful. And then I think they went to a craft fair or something, he held her hand. He just was much more mindful of physical touch and affection 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: and 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: expressing it. And like maybe he like pinched her butt while they were at the fair or whatever, but not in a I expect that we will have sex, but I’m enjoying you.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I’m enjoying you. I guess that’s really what it comes down to. It’s I’m enjoying you. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Yeah. And also I’m attracted and I want you. There’s that, And I like to touch you and even just, touching your partner is that gives you that oxytocin dump when, and that’s the neurotransmitter responsible for trust, rapport, friendship, 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Bonding, and, Every touch is important.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes, and [00:33:00] every touch Helps her body relax And I think that is something that like meant me to understand is a woman’s orgasm Is directly related to how relaxed her body is. So the more relaxed that you help her feel and these things tend to relax a woman’s system, knowing she’s wanted by her partner, knowing that he’s there with her, her physical body, when it relaxes, that’s when an orgasm happens.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And so knowing that she’s safe. 

Creating a Safe Sexual Space

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: So let’s move on to that kind of creating a safe and secure environment, because I think that’s critical because we’re talking about, in order to relax, you gotta feel safe. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes, and that’s what so back to coaxing the cat into the house. I say pussy cat in my talk Because that’s begging to be said really yeah coaxing the 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: pussy into the house.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: That’s right into the house You really want to start with that? Hey, I just want you to know that I always want to know [00:34:00] I want you to feel safe telling me, I want you to feel safe telling me you can name it like name the safety and then the key is that what’s going to happen is many women. So some women, so women are all in like a different range of sexual.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Can I interrupt you there for a second, Melanie, because I think naming it’s great. I think it also has to be backed up by your behaviors. Because I’m just thinking, okay, here’s a guy that’s physically abusive and slapped her last week. And then he’s Oh, I want you to feel safe.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And she’s I’m not feeling safe. So you have to be aware of your behaviors to throughout the week, throughout the month, like throughout the relationship, the behaviors have to back up the words or sync with the words. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yes. Good point. And that’s something that That I talk about in terms of basically what’ll happen is a lot of women will not say anything right away So the man will say I really want you to feel safe to tell me I always want to know She’s not gonna say something for a while again Like you’re coaxing the cat in the house the first time she does say something like [00:35:00] actually could you do it a little lighter?

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Like a little less pressure. That is the moment When it really matters that you back it up. First of all, you have to adjust. React without judgment. You have to do it lighter. And my recommendation is you got to do it lighter from then on because what women are reporting over and over and over and over and over in research, what I’ve seen in my sex life is I will give a man an adjustment, like I’d love for you to finger me lighter, like less pressure.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Okay. And he’ll do it for two minutes, and then he’ll go back to the way he’s always done it. So if your woman ever gives you an adjustment you really want to take that seriously. I 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: like the idea, pardon me for interrupting again, I like the idea of just going as light as you can to start. Just touching the clitoris as lightly as you possibly can, and just see what’s the response?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Just slowing it way down, and going the lightest touch you can, and seeing. Okay, how does this work for you? And then you can build up from there [00:36:00] and see, what’s the best for you? What feels good? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, that’s the whole like 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: the slow startup 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: the slow startup. That’s what I if there was one You know sexual takeaway it would be that for me is that most men aren’t warming up the car 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Yeah, so touching the skin lightly touching the breasts slightly touching the clitoris lightly and then you can you know go to squeezing the breasts and 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Sure, or even her 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: back 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: like her size like everything Like somebody was like, I feel like men see me as boobs butt and pussy and she’s like I have a whole rest of me 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Touching like the inner thigh like that light touch all the way down to the feet like Touching the feet, massaging the feet.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: There’s all sorts of ways you can go, but again, if you understand the importance of touch throughout the body and really value those other areas of the body with light touch. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, that goes a long way to warming up the car. So what usually happens is if he extends the invitation and I call it creating a safe [00:37:00] sexual space.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: If he’s creating a safe sexual space, he’s telling her more than once. I always want to know if something hurts, I always want to know if you like something and you want more of it. I always want to know. And she’s probably not going to say anything for a while. Then the first time she says something, thank you for telling me, thank you for telling me.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And here’s the trick is you got to mean it, like you got to mean it. So what I coach men on is you can always say, Oh wow, yeah that’s a little hard for me to hear. And thank you for telling me. . It can be both. Yes, exactly. Don’t disown that you feel a little shut down, or you’ve been together for 10 years and you didn’t know that there’s this thing you do while you’re kissing that she doesn’t really love.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Like you might feel betrayed. You might be like, what the fuck? You didn’t tell me for 10 years we’re married like . Like you might have those feelings and that’s totally fine. And you want [00:38:00] her to feel safe. Wow, that’s really hard for me to hear. And thank you for telling me. That was brave that you told me.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I appreciate that you told me. Own both of those things. Because if you don’t own the first part, that’s hard for me to hear, or I’m feeling a little shut down. If you don’t own that, she’s going to feel it. And she’s not going to trust you. So if you say thanks for telling 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: me. The resentment can build.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: That hurt can build if you let it accumulate. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, exactly. And I think we can feel tension in our partners. Men and women can feel tension in our partners. And if that tension isn’t spoken to, I think it’s really damaging. And I know for me, that’s the quickest way for me to feel unsafe with a man. If I can feel that he’s especially angry or upset or resentful, and he’s not talking, like speaking to it, man I’m, Safety is gone for me now.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And if, and especially in this, what we’re talking about, the context of sexual communication, if I say actually, I’d really [00:39:00] like it lighter less pressure, and he’s thanks for telling me. I’m like, okay I’m never gonna say something again. Now I’m, like, Now you’ve just confirmed all of my fears.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: So tone of voice becomes important. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah and that’s what I’m saying about oh wow, I didn’t know that. I’m, feeling a little off now, but thanks for telling me. I appreciate that. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And now everyone listening to this podcast should know, start light. Don’t, it’s going against the training that you get watching porn, which I would think every woman would welcome.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It’s going completely against what in porn. And that is a problem. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Yeah, 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: because, like I said, the, I think what frequently happens, at least looking at the research is, there are women who will speak up, there are women who will tell you, and many times, the man will adjust for two minutes, and then go back to the way that he’s always done it.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Because this is how he’s been having sex for six years, 12 years, 20 years. It’s hard to adjust, that’s the 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: truth. And I do think our excitement level comes into it, I think we get [00:40:00] excited, which increases the pressure. And. And I think communication is a really good tool for that moment. If she didn’t say, can you slow it down a little bit or not quite so hard?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: God, I got so many things going through my head right now. So one of the things that I remember, I took a philosophy course back when I was at Pomona college. And one of the things the professor said, and I remember being blown away that he used this language in class was the first time I’d ever heard this in class, but he said, there’s three types of power.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And you can use like making love to equate them and one is making love one is screwing or having sex and one is fucking and fucking is the most powerful the strongest most aggressive and making love is most gentle and easiest and most cooperative, but I do equate those two different types of sex that you know you have different speeds and I think.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: That those speeds are all allowable if you can communicate about them and if they feel good. And so I think a lot of that rests on good communication around sex. [00:41:00] 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, I totally agree. I, later on in the course, one of the things that I talk about is sexual range. So for, so a man’s sexual range goes from like the light side, which is like making love, eye contact, soft softness, right? All the way over to fucking, which is like darker, harder more aggressive, like pushing up against 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: the wall. Even angry at times. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah. And women, and what I was pointing to was women’s response in the research. They talked about both sides of the range. And women want a man with access to both sides of the range.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And many men don’t have that. They only have access to one or the other. 

Balancing Heart and Cock Energies

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: In a lot of my work what I coach my men on is balancing their heart and their cock energies. So a lot of men like the toxic masculine that we see in the world, it’s all cock energy and no heart energy. It’s just over on that one side of the spectrum.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And then the nice guys. Are on the other side. [00:42:00] They don’t have access to their power, to their cock energy yet. They’re tamping it down. They’re stuffing it down. They’re, that’s what I work with a lot of my guys on, is bringing them back into balance. . And the good news is that men that have access to their heart that already have that side of the equation, they’re actually pretty well set up.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Once they do access their cock energy and really get that online, man, they are fucking attractive because they have both and that’s. What we’re going for, which is the integrated man, he has access to both, which means he can do what the moment calls for. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Oh my gosh. The evolved caveman. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Exactly. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: So 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: basically talking about you right 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: now, I’m not saying it’s me, I’m just saying that’s what we’re shooting for.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Actually I had one guest come on and he kept referring to himself as the evolving caveman. I was like, Oh shit. Not much, cause that implies that we’re still evolving, right? Like we’re still learning. And that’s the other point I think is like, when I got divorced, I studied about how to be better in bed.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Like I read, I [00:43:00] learned, I was like, I just want, I’m curious. And I think that’s a good goal too, for people to not assume that they know it all, to continue to learn and grow in a variety of areas, but sex being one of them. 

The Power of Presence in Intimacy

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: So I have one more question and the question has to do with presence. When we’re in bed, when we’re making love, when we’re having sex, how does presence enter into it?

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: How does the idea that I am there in bed with my partner versus My head going to the past or the future or being with someone else mentally. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Great questions. I’m going to tell a story about this. So I listened to a podcast with Dr. Herb Goldberg, who I love, and he’s a psychiatrist and he was talking about a patient of his who was a woman.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: And she was married, and she was having an affair with a man who really turned her on. She loved having sex with this guy. This was like the highlight of her life. She’d been having this affair for a year. [00:44:00] They’d been talking about it for a year. We’re gonna set aside that aspect of it and just look at the sex part, which is She had been having sex with this man for a year and after a year it somehow came out during a session that They didn’t have intercourse like I think he was impotent or he couldn’t get it up or something and That was like a non event for her his presence was so magnificent, like when he was with her, he had his attention on her, he was focused, he was really with her in the sex.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: She felt so filled up and so nourished and so happy that she didn’t even notice they weren’t having intercourse. And this blew Dr. Herb’s mind. He was like, I can’t even, as a man, he was like, what hasn’t come up before that the best sex of your life. Has been with a man who couldn’t get it up. What you’re pointing to is [00:45:00] that, and this shows up in the research again and again, is that for women, the most important thing is presence.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It’s more important than a hard cock than a, you name it. Like one of the things I’m the most proud of in my research is the things that women didn’t talk about. So 0 percent of them talked about the man having a six pack, having a great body. Less than 3 percent of them talked about penis size.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Less than 5 percent talked about him staying hard for a long time. 95 percent of them didn’t talk about that. 97 percent of them didn’t talk about penis size. Like the things that men think that women want aren’t what women want. Which is why I put the course together. Because I was like, you should probably know what we do want.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: That’s important. I was like, I don’t know, like a service or something. If it’s here if you want it. If you want to know here it is. And I’m wondering if you brought that up because that’s what you came across when you were researching How to Be Good in Bed. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: I’ve just [00:46:00] noticed a deep presence when Jory and I are together.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And we talk about it, that our minds never wander. in four years. And so we’re always with each other when we’re with each other. And I’ve not had that experience before. It’s qualitatively different. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, I feel like that’s It’s 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: arousingly different. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, that feels that feels like the sign of a healthy relationship.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: And okay, so I have one more question. Thank you for that response. 

The Dynamics of Giving and Receiving

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: One of the things that’s interested me along the course of my lifetime is the dynamic of giving and receiving in sex. That some of us really struggle with receiving. And and then, or expect, expectations, and so if you could just speak to that real quick and Then we can wrap up.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah. I’m glad you brought this up because I was just talking to a male coach friend of mine and we were talking about the range on the side of the feminine. So we talked about the range on the [00:47:00] side of the masculine and for the feminine, one of the sides of the range is. capacity for receiving.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: How much can she receive? How safe does she feel in her body to receive? So if you’re with a woman who has had a lot of sexual trauma and she has not dealt with it, then her capacity to receive is going to be more limited. So no matter how good you are as a man in bed, there’s going to be a limit.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: There’s going to be a Point at which her body wants to shut down because it doesn’t it physically doesn’t feel safe because it’s going through trauma again so I think that, I think receiving is really important for both partners, but especially for the feminine, especially for the feminine, it’s even the physics of it, right?

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: He penetrates her, she’s receiving his cock, she’s receiving she, it’s like the plug in the socket or whatever she’s the socket, that’s physiologically how it works I think safety receiving and the ability to [00:48:00] receive is just critically important for the feminine and I and essentially, because I have worked with a lot of trauma survivors, I think that there’s a lot that a man can do to support a woman and there’s a lot that she needs to do on her own to help heal from trauma.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Yeah, it just interests me how I think it’s an important exercise to learn to receive in a relaxed manner. And I think, I imagine some of us are better at receiving than others. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah, and we can always increase our capacity to receive. Especially if one of the mantras I like is I’m open to receiving like I’m open to It doesn’t mean that I have to or but just I’m open to receiving and I know that helps me train myself in that direction 

Conclusion and Resources

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: I have to wrap up now, but Melanie I got to say this was an amazing interview.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Thank you so much I really enjoyed this and I think it’s gonna be really valuable for 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Thank you. Thank you. Let me 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: ask you this Where can people reach you if they want to check out [00:49:00] your class or get in touch with you for coaching? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah you can just go to pleaseherinbed. com It’s pretty easy to remember that’ll take you to that page on my site But then there’s other you know about me contact yada all the things And I made a little code for your listeners.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: It’s just Caveman, straight up. And that’s 200 off the course. It’s 500, so it makes it 300. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Awesome. What about social media? 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: I’m not really on social media as much. I have a podcast as well called Dear Men, and that is on Facebook. And if you do want to listen to that, I would recommend the Girl Talk episodes because I get my girlfriends around the mic and we just jam and It’s pretty entertaining.

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: So 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: if you’re going to 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: check that out, do one of the Girl Talk episodes. Yeah. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: All right. Thank you again so much. I really enjoyed it. 

Melanie Curtain, Sex Researcher: Yeah. And thank you for your service to the world because you’re helping, support the healthy masculine. And I really appreciate that. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Therapist for Men: Oh, thank you so much.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Top Therapist for Men: All right. And that’s it for this episode of Evolved Caveman. [00:50:00] Bye bye.