Top 5 Complaints Women Have Of Men In Relationship

TOP 5 RELATIONSHIP COMPLAINTS FROM WOMEN: WHAT MEN NEED TO HEAR (BUT PROBABLY DON’T WANT TO)  

Let’s get real for a second. If you’re in a relationship, there’s a good chance your partner has some complaints about you. And no, it’s not just because she’s too emotional or never happy. It’s because, statistically speaking, a lot of guys are dropping the ball in the same exact ways.

In this episode of The Evolved Caveman Podcast, I break down the top five relationship complaints from women and, more importantly, how to actually fix them. Based on 25 years in mental health and couples counseling, I can tell you this—these issues aren’t new, and they sure as hell aren’t going away unless men step up.  

The List of Women’s Top 5 Relationships Complaints:  

Unequal distribution of household chores. Yes, the bar is so low that *cleaning up after yourself* is a common complaint.  

Being called crazy or irrational. Nothing like gaslighting your way out of an argument to make things worse.  

Emotional disconnection. Women want more than just a warm body in the room—they want you to be emotionally present.  

Feeling sexually invisible. Turns out, ignoring her all day and then expecting fireworks in the bedroom doesn’t work. Who knew?  

Lack of shared excitement. If the most thrilling thing you do together is decide what’s for dinner, she’s probably bored.  

Bonus complaint: Lack of affection. If your last romantic gesture was months ago, you might want to rethink your strategy.  

Alongside exposing these relationship killers, I break down practical, real-world solutions for guys who actually want to get this right. Because the truth is, women aren’t asking for perfection. They’re asking for effort.

So if you’re tired of feeling like your relationship is one bad conversation away from a meltdown, tune in. It’s time to figure out what women actually want and how to be the kind of partner they deserve.

If you’d like to listen to this episode on Podomatic (where our brilliance is housed!), click here.

And if you prefer reading (i.e., you’re not a member of Gen Z!), the transcript is below to help ruin your eyesight!

5 Complaints Women Have About Men In Relationship w/ Dr. John Schinnerer, Men’s Therapist

Introduction to the Evolved Caveman Podcast

Join your host, Dr. John Schinnerer, a top therapist for men, as he shares the most impactful ideas and practices for you to get the most from your relationships, your work, and from your life. Now here’s Dr. John.

Hey everybody, this is Dr. John and I’m back with another episode of the Evolved Caveman Podcast. 

Top Five Relationship Complaints from Women

And today I wanted to talk a little bit about the top five complaints that women have about their partners, married women have about their partners, or women in relationships, and I’m assuming heterosexual relationships here, but there are some differences between hetero and homosexual relationships and the other type of sexual relationships pan, bi, abro, whatever you got.

So without further ado, here are the top five most common relationship issues and complaints that I’ve heard from married women about men in relationship – in my 25 years of working in mental health with couples And you know as a mental health worker behind closed doors, speaking with couples, sometimes in a last ditch effort to save a marriage, I have heard the real complaints from women.

And so I thought it might be motivating for the men out there, men who want to have a happy and thriving relationship, or men who want to hold on to their marriage, to hear what the top complaints are that women have about men in relationship, because they’re not what you might think. Psychologists hear the deeply honest and painful thoughts and feelings that people have when it comes to their romantic relationships.

We don’t get the usual polished turds of untruth that people often share with people at school drop off or around the water cooler at work or while having a beer with friends. Interestingly, I was looking up some stats before doing this and a Pew [00:02:00] research poll done in October 2020 shows 53 percent of couples rate the relationship as going very well.

They’re quite satisfied. So that leaves about half where things are less and that matches the divorce rate too. It’s about 50%. So in this episode of the Evolved Caveman, let’s talk about those most common complaints women have and what you can do about it. 

Complaint #1: Unequal Distribution of Chores

So in no particular order, here is complaint number one.

“My husband doesn’t pull his weight as far as chores or helping out with the kids.” Now this is a longstanding complaint that is slowly getting better over time, but it’s a complaint that men aren’t doing enough when it comes to household chores or taking care of the kids or even shouldering their load of the mental ticker tape of shit that needs to get done for the family.

What do they call that on CNN? The Chiron. That little ticker tape of headlines that runs across the bottom of the TV screen, and it just has headlines on it, right? [00:03:00] That’s what runs through the minds of most women. This constant list of stuff that needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and how it’s going to get done.

There’s a few things to tease out here. First is the not doing enough complaint, which is absolutely true for the most part and for most couples. There’s a lot of research that’s been done here and has proven that women do the vast majority of household chores. This is known as invisible labor because it’s tasks that need to get done that are unpaid and unseen and often unappreciated.

In October of 2020, That same Pew research, that same Pew research found that 55 percent of men were satisfied with the way in which household chores were divvied up compared to only 38 percent of women. And yet the men don’t see that extra work that the women are doing. 34 percent of men report that women does more in the relationship while 59 percent of women say women do more.

So that’s quite a gap. And even when the [00:04:00] men do lend a hand, as they should, and as many do, I talked to a lot of men who are trying to shoulder their load fairly, but even when the men do lend a hand, the mental load of running the home, and this is the mental and emotional load, still tends to fall squarely on women’s shoulders.

And this has an impact it leads to greater fatigue, greater stress, greater exhaustion for women in relationship. Just to give you an example, women are expected to figure out the groceries. What do we need? What’s for dinner? They’re expected to plan the social calendar for the whole family.

They’re plan, they’re expected to account for childcare obligations, babysitting and someone watching the kids during the day when you’re working. They’re expected to schedule doctor and dental appointments, deal with school obligations, and get the required gifts for family and friends. So I’ve seen women over the years get upset that despite [00:05:00] the attempted help of their male partner, that partner still is clueless about what needs to be done.

He needs to be told what needs to be done. And so women are getting upset over the fact that they’ve got this mental ticker tape in their head and they’ve got to track all this stuff. And we know that leads to fatigue. So one of the solutions to this couple of couple ideas. I think it’s far better to have a calm conversation between the two of you and, if you’re the woman, if you’re the wife, share with your husband, Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed and then go over who’s doing what specific tasks and look at a fairer redistribu problem, blah, blah, pardon me, and look at a fairer redistribution of them.

Often men are unaware of just how much their wives are taking on, or they’re unsure how best to help, yet they’re willing to help. So men, ask your wife, what can you do to help? [00:06:00] And then look at what lanes. Or big broad subsections of chores. Can you take over to give your wife a break? Is it the finances?

Is it child care? Is it medical appointments? Is it some couples have agreed that you take over the coaching and you take over getting them to sports and after school activities And then you take on the ticker tape for that as well So you don’t come home and ask your wife. Hey, when’s soccer practice?

Or when’s the next dental cleaning? That whole lane is your responsibility. Okay. 

Complaint #2: Being Called Crazy or Irrational

Complaint number two. This one seems obvious on the surface, but I can’t tell you how much it happens. Women don’t like to be told that they’re “ crazy” or “irrational.” They just don’t like it.

This is a fight waiting to happen. And realize that these are trigger words. [00:07:00] And trigger words like crazy or irrational have a long and bitter history of use to dismiss or undermine women’s feelings. If you’re a man and you’re listening to this, you’ve got feelings, right? How would it feel if whenever you brought up how you feel, your wife says, Oh my God, you’re so crazy all the time, or I can’t listen to you because you’re so emotional.

You’re so irrational. And please understand that we all are human and we all have emotions. We all have feelings. And I know you say, but John, I don’t feel a damn thing. I’m a man. Gomer, you got a lot to learn if you want a satisfying relationship. So this tactic is known as emotion dismissing, and it shows that you are unable or unwilling to deal with your partner’s more intense emotions.

And the problem with this goes back to attention. And, we’re always making these bids for attention of our partner and everyone else in our life. And it can be things as simple [00:08:00] as, hey, can we talk or, can I have a hug or come sit down on the couch next to me. And when you shut down bids for attention.

Or you shut down your partner’s attempt to share how they feel with you. If you do that enough times, and they get hurt deeply enough, there’s a chance that they go somewhere else to get their needs for attention met. And obviously that’s a problem for the relationship. So what’s the solution? Alright I think part of it’s increased emotional awareness, increased emotional management skills, better communication, so you need to take a deep breath.

Remind yourself to stay calm when your partner’s venting to you or at you about you, listen to what they’re saying, listen to the emotions beneath the words, and then validate them. Wow, honey, I had no idea that you were that upset about your boss, or I can see that you’re really angry right now, or gee, that’s rough.

[00:09:00] I can see where you’re upset about me forgetting to take out the garbage again. Many times validation needs to come first. So that the partner’s emotions can calm down. So then you can have the rational conversation. One of the questions I tell my clients to ask is, So let’s say your partner is venting to you.

Pause and ask them, Hey, honey, I’d really like to support you as best I can. How can I do that? Do you want me to just listen? Do you want a hug? Or do you want me to try and brainstorm some solutions with you? And then see what the response is. Once you’ve got the answer to that question, you’re pretty good.

Although I have seen men, most times I think many women will say, I just need you to listen to me. And then we’ll go oh okay, I’ll just listen. And then we start listening and we get more and more uncomfortable because due to our own empathy, we pick up their anger, their frustration, their stress, their sadness, and it makes us uncomfortable inside, and then we [00:10:00] default back to fix it mode.

Because we can’t tolerate the internal discomfort. So again, be aware if that’s the dynamic that you get stuck in, take a deep breath, remind yourself, it’s not my emotion, it’s her emotion. Now I’m assuming she’s talking about something, not the relationship, boss or kids or something like that.

And remind yourself, I’m just supposed to listen and validate and practice. All right. 

Complaint #3: Emotional Disconnection

Complaint number three. This is probably the biggest one that I’ve heard the most frequent one. I can’t connect with my partner. And there’s a lot of nuances to this, but it all hinges on emotion. If you want good sex, if you want deep connection, if you want to reclaim that spark you had at the beginning of your relationship, become more emotionally aware, become better at communication.

Women need an emotional connection in order to relax and have [00:11:00] amazing sex. I would say most women, let’s say women feel more connected to their partners when they’re able to talk openly about their feelings and know that their partner can do the same. No, that they can reciprocate when it’s one sided.

If there’s only one partner, usually it’s a woman opening up and speaking about how they feel and the other one isn’t, it leads to a disconnect. It feels like your partner’s withholding. It feels like they don’t have access to their emotions. It’s unsatisfying. And, this is not our fault as men, I, this goes back to the man box and how we’re socialized and we’re not encouraged when we’re younger to be emotionally aware, to be communicative, to step towards relationship.

So again, not our fault, just our responsibility to evolve beyond it. And as I was saying, speaking at an emotional level, it fuels positive perceptions of yourself and your partner. It says to your partner [00:12:00] or the message it conveys is you are important to me. I am there for you. I care about you. And the reverse also holds true.

When women feel emotionally disconnected, they don’t feel important. They don’t feel loved and they don’t feel close. And I’ve got to say, this is the most frequent complaint I have heard from women who are contemplating divorce. And, I think one or two of these, not a big deal. If you have a couple conversations with your wife and you’re not emotionally available, you’re not emotionally aware.

That’s pretty normal. Maybe you’re tired, maybe you’re stressed, whatever. But if you think about this happening very frequently, and you think of these as additive over time and drops of negative emotion and disconnection into a bucket, Drops that accumulate. You can see where this begins to shift the lens through which she sees her partner into a negative state.

And [00:13:00] so when you start out dating, you view your partner in completely optimistic, rose colored lens. Everything they do is perfect. They couldn’t you couldn’t ask for more. They’re wonderful. Every need is met, but as these negative emotions and they’re small, they can be quite small, but as they accumulate, that lens slowly begins to go from all positive.

To mostly or all negative, and it can get so extreme that I’ve seen one couple where the husband was trying to improve the relationship and he brought home flowers for his wife and his wife looks at him with disgust when he gets home and says, Why did you buy me flowers? I don’t like flowers.

They’re just gonna die. They’re a waste of money. And that’s a great example, I think, of a positive, a well intended act, an attempt to repair, an attempt to show appreciation that is seen through a [00:14:00] completely negative lens and totally falls flat. And then, the husband in that situation feels hurt and angry and resentful, I imagine.

So again, a lot of this has to do with Manbox culture and how we’re socialized and how we’re socialized primarily not to feel. Be stoic. Don’t show your feelings. Don’t be a wimp. Don’t be a girl. And they’re all subtle messages that we get, and I don’t think it takes that many of these messages to start stuffing and cutting ourselves off from big parts of our emotional life.

Men, it is not our fault we didn’t ask to be socialized this way. However, For better relationships, to be emotionally triggered thus often, to be more empowered, and to be more comfortable in your own skin, we have to evolve beyond this man box. The solution here is Simply to become more [00:15:00] curious about how you feel about everything to understand that every decision, every action that you take is fueled by emotion, whether or not you realize it is Antonio Damasio says we are not thinking animals who feel we are feeling animals who think in other words, the emotions are primary and they impact everything at its most basic level.

Emotions are approach or avoid. Should I approach this person? Should I approach this situation? Is it positive? Is it safe? Or should I avoid? Should I protect myself? Should I try and stay alive? One of the things you can do is check out the website atlasofemotions.org. It’s a site created by Paul Ekman and his daughter.

And they sent out surveys to, I think, 268. Emotion researchers worldwide and then gathered those ideas that were agreed upon and put them up [00:16:00] on this user friendly site. It’s got cool graphics and it’s simple and it’s a good way to help. To begin to dissect or differentiate what is it you feel. In other words, when you first go there, there’s five areas of emotion.

I think there’s anger, there’s sadness, there’s disgust, fear, and happiness or joy. I think most of us feel we’re doing pretty well if you think, gee, how are you feeling? Oh, I’m angry. Okay what kind of angry are you? Are you disappointed? Are you frustrated? Are you resentful?

Are you enraged? Are you annoyed? Are you irritated? And so I think having those finer distinctions of emotion is a really good way to go when we’re talking about relationships. Part of the reason is we know from studies at UCLA that just having the right emotion word to put on your feeling state reduces how intensely you’re feeling it.

So it turns the dial [00:17:00] down. There’s another research tool or idea, and it’s simple, it’s super simple, and I love this one because it’s so simple. Here it is. Several times throughout the day, pause and ask yourself, How am I feeling? Right now, how do I feel? And research shows that this simple act done several times a day builds those emotional intelligence muscles that build self control.

And the cool part is it doesn’t even matter how you answer that question. It doesn’t even matter if you answer the question. I think probably a good practice to answer it when you can, but sometimes I think we can ask that question and we truly don’t know the answer. And I think part of this also is Having the awareness that we feel multiple emotions about one person or one situation simultaneously.

And that’s a big [00:18:00] idea that you can love someone and be angry with them. You can, be friends with someone and you can simultaneously be resentful of how they spoke to you. And yet, love them as a friend, and yet Be excited to see them tomorrow and yet also have some anxiety about the conversation that you have to have with them tomorrow.

So I think it’s a really good practice to just build up better differentiation in the words for emotions that we have and building that EQ muscle so that we can have more deeper emotional connections or communications with our spouse. One more idea on this front is it’s a good idea to practice having regular meetings to connect and communicate with your partner.

And you don’t need an agenda. You can have one if you want, but you want to reduce all the distractions and just have meetings to reconnect and really good practice to practice. [00:19:00] That’s redundant. Really good idea to practice non judgmentalness, active listening, and non defensiveness. And, one of the things that I’ve been working on the past five years is this skill of non defensiveness and it’s hard and non defensiveness is when let’s say your partner comes at you and they’re upset and they say, I can’t believe that you forgot to pick up the kids and.

Our natural instinct to that, it seems to me, is to defend ourselves. We want to explain what we were thinking, we want to explain what else was going on that distracted me from, being able to pick up the kids, or how busy I am at work. It’s all kind of our excuse for why we did what we did, or our reason.

And what happens when we do that is the other person we get into a tit for tat or an argument over the reasons for the defensiveness, the reasons why it wasn’t done [00:20:00] and far better at times, at least to practice non defensiveness, which is simply not offering up your reasons for doing what you were doing and saying, you know what?

You’re right. I’m really sorry. I screwed up. It won’t happen again

period And that takes some practice, but I’ve worked with executives where you know the CEO was dealing with a lot of anger and would share that anger with his executive VP, for example so the executive VP is in this difficult situation of I’m not really sure what to do and I tried teaching him many tools to deal with it.

And finally, I was like how about if you try being non defensive? So when the CEO would get angry at this VP, the VP would do just that. He would say, you know what? I am really sorry. You’re right. And it won’t happen again. [00:21:00] And didn’t offer up an excuse for why he did what he did. And his internal response was interesting and I think pretty common that it’s really unsatisfying to be the person practicing non defensiveness because it feels like you’re just taking it.

And yet, it was a really effective way of diffusing the CEO’s anger because that’s what the CEO was looking for. He didn’t care about all the excuses for why something didn’t get done. He just wanted to be heard. And I think that’s true in other relationships as well. All right. 

Complaint #4: Feeling Sexually Invisible

So complaint number four, I feel sexually invisible to my partner, not desirable.

In the beginning of a relationship, there’s all that limerence, there’s the passion, there’s the excitement, there’s the lust. All you want to do is be with your new partner. However, in a long term relationship, it’s not [00:22:00] uncommon. For sex to take a backseat to life or for intimacy to decrease.

The normal path of relationship is you get into it. It’s hot and heavy and there’s a stage of limerence and limerence is that lust or obsession or passion that you have in the beginning of a relationship and limerence fades over time. Now there’s things you can do to extend it to savor it. One of the best things you can do is practice frequent gratitude and appreciation for your partner.

But in every relationship that limerence, I would argue is unsustainable because it’s so positive. It’s so optimistic. It’s to some extent, out of touch with reality. And it’s, it’s one of the most wonderful feelings we can have in this lifetime. But I think at some point we need to return to reality and see reality a little bit more clearly.

So to know that’s the normal path of relationship, that it starts out hot [00:23:00] and heavy, you’ve got this six month, twelve month, two year period of limerence, and then that kind of fades. And part of it fading is, we’re not as sexually interested in each other. And that spark it doesn’t die off, but it just grows dimmer.

However, you, with work, with practice, with awareness, you can keep that spark burning bright. So women often tell me that they no longer feel desired by their partners, like when they were first dating. And I was talking with another therapist friend who told me, yeah, women feel that the longer they’re together with their person.

Married or living together, the more invisible they feel to their partner. And it feels like life gets in the way and they haven’t taken time to really nurture their relationship on a continuous basis. So for the men listening out there, my best suggestion in this case is practice frequent appreciation and gratitude of all the things that your partner does for you and your family.

And [00:24:00] it can be the smallest things like, honey, thank you so much for doing the dirty dishes. Thank you so much for making dinner tonight. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for picking up the kids at school. And, it’s those little think if, are you putting little drops of positive emotion into the relationship or negative emotion?

Are you turning towards the relationship or away from it? And that frequent gratitude and appreciation is really turning towards, and it helps keep that spark alive because that spark is really positive emotion felt for your partner and from your partner. What else? Yeah, I guess on that line, I was thinking there was Client couple client that I had a while back.

And I heard, she said that her husband had picked up the girls from school. And I said, did you thank him for doing that? And she’s like, why would I do that? That’s his job. It may be the job, but frequent appreciation [00:25:00] sure makes the job more desirable and it sure makes it more palatable and it sure makes you feel appreciated.

And that makes you feel more drawn to your partner. The other things you can do are get back to a workout routine. So you feel comfortable and sexy in your skin. You can plan date nights where you do fun and novel activities because it, it plants that feeling of excitement or it sets you up for feeling of excitement.

An arousal, which you can then transfer to your partner. I like the idea of putting sex on the calendar. It feels funny at first, but realize there’s a difference between anticipated arousal, which happens early in a relationship. When you’re in that limerence stage, due to that strong physical attraction and the thrill of the unknown, and there’s arousal that arises the other type of arousal is that which arises once you’re in the flow of touching, kissing, hugging.

Arousal can start on its own, or it can be, in a sense, manufactured. And often [00:26:00] we need that manufactured arousal when we’ve been in a relationship for many years. That’s okay. All right. 

Complaint #5: Lack of Shared Excitement

Complaint number five is “I don’t understand why my partner isn’t excited about something that I’m excited about, or doesn’t care about something that I feel strongly about.”

And in other words, women are often unhappy with the way their partners respond to their emotions. And, part of this is that men, it goes back to the socialization process and the man box that result in men who aren’t as good at emotions as women are. 

Men take longer to process complex emotions than women. Men take hours, women take minutes. 

Men have also been taught for years to hide how we feel, and many of the men I’ve worked with simply don’t know how they feel very specifically because they lack the emotional vocabulary. 

So it’s not personal, it’s more how we’re socialized. Now I don’t think we can just leave it there, I think that we have to work to get better at it, and one of the skills to get better at it is called capitalizing.

It comes out of UCLA and it’s basically the idea of getting excited and curious about your partner’s good news. So when your partner comes home with good news, you generate some passion, some excitement. Wow, honey, that’s great. I’m so proud of you for getting the promotion. How did it happen? Who told you, what do you think went into that?

And you stay with that for a while. And what happens is it creates a positive upward emotional spiral where both of you win on an emotional level. Now, here’s the thing. Many times when there’s good news like that, there’s also some concerns that the partner has. Wow, are you gonna have to spend more time at work?

Can you really take on more stress? What are we gonna do with the kids? And those are valid also And I would highly suggest Put the concerns off till the next day And, then you can [00:28:00] say, Hey, honey, I like, I am really thrilled about this promotion and I’ve got some concerns or some questions that I’d love to talk about when you have a good time for it, when you’ve got like bandwidth for it.

So capitalizing is a great skill to practice. Okay. And. 

Bonus Complaint: Lack of Affection

Then there’s a bonus complaint. I guess it’s a bonus. Complaint number six, my partner just isn’t that affectionate with me. And, I’ve seen a lot of women who come into a counseling session and they spend 40 minutes criticizing and being irritated with their husband and telling him what he’s doing wrong.

And then some follow it up with, and “you never give me any love or attention.” I would argue that you’re not putting the right conditions in place to receive it. And usually what’s happened to build up to that point is the woman has made a number of bids for attention in the relationship over some period of time, could be years, asking her partner to sit next to her on the couch or reaching out to hold his hand or, “Hey honey, can you come over here and help me with this?” or “did I tell you about this?” 

And often they’ve gone unnoticed. by her husband or they’ve been responded to with irritation – “Honey, can’t you see I’m reading the news?” Or “you’re always interrupting me!” So those are examples of a neutral response or a negative response to a bid for attention and again, those are a drop of negative emotion in the bucket and when you multiply that by hundreds or thousands or tens of thousands people get resentful, people get angry, people get hurt and oftentimes it’s better to ge an angry reaction from your partner than to be ignored.

Negative attention is better than no attention. You see this with kids all the time. I think you get angry and you’re hurt and so you lash out or you get into a fight and then you’ve got your partner’s attention. [00:30:00] So the solution to this one is to be really keenly aware of understanding the importance of bids for attention.

We make bids for attention all the time. And when they’re ignored, it has a bit of hurt to it. It stings. And as I said, you add those ignored bids up for months or years and that resentment grows. And, if they don’t just get angry with you, they might also look for their attention elsewhere. It’s like with parenting, you want to catch your kids being good.

Same thing with a relationship. You want to catch your partner being thoughtful or kind or affectionate. If that’s what you like, I’m assuming that’s what you like. And then reward them by saying, “hey, I really appreciate it when you gave me that hug”, or “I really appreciate it when you left that note on my car”, or “I really appreciate it when you send texts in the middle of the day saying you’re thinking about me”, or “I really appreciate it when you send me, little memes or pictures with love poems on them”.[00:31:00] 

Or “I really appreciate it when you leave post it notes on the bathroom mirror that say different ways that you love me”. Reward the behavior you want to see. Compliment those behaviors that you appreciate in your partner and keep complimenting them. Don’t stop because every one of those expressions of appreciation or gratitude is a bucket or is a drop in that positive emotional bucket.

And that’s what you’re trying to do is fill up that bucket. Not the other one, the negative emotional bucket. 

Conclusion and Next Steps

So I hope that’s been helpful for you. I think I might do another podcast on biggest complaints of men, but that’s another week. So if you’ve liked this, if you’ve enjoyed it, if you found it useful, please like rate and review.

If you didn’t like it, that’s fine. You don’t have to do anything. Thanks so much. This is Dr. John. men’s therapist, with the Evolved Caveman podcast. Bye-bye. Thank you for listening to the Evolved Caveman podcast. If you like what [00:32:00] you’ve heard, support us by subscribing, leaving reviews, and sharing the podcast with friends and colleagues.

For the latest, most powerful tools to connect with like-minded men, join the Facebook group at the Evolved Caveman. Follow Dr. John on Instagram at the evolved caveman, all one word, or join the email list by visiting guidetoself.com.