By Dr. John Schinnerer
How to stop being a people pleaser! Let’s be real –: people pleasing is emotional self-sabotage disguised as kindness. You think you’re being generous. You think you’re the “good guy” (or girl). But underneath all that agreeable surface is a time bomb made of burnout, resentment, and vague-but-persistent rage.
If you’ve hit your 40s or 50s and find yourself wondering, “How the hell did I become everyone’s unpaid therapist, doormat, and emotional support animal?”—this one’s for you.
Spoiler alert: It didn’t start last week. It’s a lifelong pattern. And it’s especially baked into women thanks to centuries of cultural programming that says, “Be nice. Don’t make waves. Smile while dying inside.” But men struggle with people pleasing also.
So let’s dissect this nonsense. If you’re a card-carrying people pleaser, there are six red flags waving in your emotional yard:
1. Boundaries? What boundaries?
2. Guilt—the emotional glitter bomb you can’t clean up.
3. Conflict avoidance like it’s a full-time job.
4. Lonely as hell (but still smiling!).
5. Bubbling resentment like a shaken soda can.
6. No idea what you even want anymore.
Today, we’re tackling the first two. Strap in.
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1. Boundaries: Because You’re Not Actually a Doormat
Think of boundaries as emotional fences. Not to keep people out—but to keep you from bleeding out emotionally.
The problem? Most people pleasers have no clue where they end and other people begin. You say yes when you mean no. You agree to things out of fear, not desire. And then you lie awake wondering why you’re so damn tired all the time.
Let me be blunt: if you don’t draw the line, people will redraw it for you—in Sharpie.
What boundaries really say is, “I like me enough to protect my peace.” Or, as the brilliant Prentiss Hemphill put it: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
Key Tip:
Notice when you’re irritated, passive-aggressive, or fantasizing about going off the grid. That’s your body screaming: “HEY! A boundary got steamrolled!”
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2. Guilt: The Emotional Duct Tape Holding Your Overcommitment Together
Guilt is like an overzealous personal trainer—loud, annoying, and convinced that suffering is noble.
People pleasers are world-class guilt hoarders. You feel guilty for saying no, guilty for not replying fast enough, guilty for thinking about putting yourself first. On a scale of 1 to 10, you live at a solid 9.5 on the “I suck” scale.
And guess what? That guilt makes you manipulatable as hell. Others sniff it out and use it against you.
But here’s the truth: You are not responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions. You’re not an emotional concierge.
Gut Check Questions:
Did I lie or intentionally hurt someone?
Did I communicate my truth respectfully?
Am I being honest with myself?
If the answer is yes, the guilt is probably just your old conditioning throwing a tantrum.
Reframe It:
Guilt doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Sometimes it just means you’re growing. You can love someone and still say “hell no.” You can care without collapsing.
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Coming Up Next…
Next time we’re diving into the deeper mess:
Why conflict avoidance makes your life feel like an HR training video
The bone-deep loneliness people pleasers never talk about
The bitter aftertaste of resentment
And how to figure out what you actually want in life
This isn’t about becoming a jerk. It’s about becoming whole.
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. You can care without contorting.
Wanna Climb Higher Up The Happiness Hill ? Here’s Where To Begin Your Ascent:
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