“Dude, Take Off the Mask” — Authentic Masculinity and the Secret Every Man’s Hiding
Dr. John Schinnerer | GuideToSelf.com | TheEvolvedCaveman.com | LoveIsntEnough.net
You ever feel like you’re faking it? Like you’re showing up to the world in some Frankenstein version of “what a man is supposed to be,” but secretly you’re just praying nobody notices the cracks?
Welcome to the club. Membership: pretty much every f*cking man you know.
The Study That Wouldn’t Die
One brave soul (read: researcher with too much patience, aka Keith Edwards, Ph.D. Check out the interview here!) started asking college dudes some deep questions:
What does being a man mean to you?
Has that changed over time?
Why?
He sat with 10 men—frat bros, trans men, jocks, Black student leaders, sexual violence prevention guys—and got real. Then he checked in again five years later. And five years after that. And again. Dude basically committed to the slowest group text thread in history.
And what came out of it? They were all harboring the same “secret”:
“I know what’s expected of me as a man… but it doesn’t really fit. So I fake it.”
Boom. The Mask.
The Man Box: Now with 25% More Shame!
You’ve probably heard of the “man box.” If not, congrats on your cultural hermit status. It’s the unwritten code that says stuff like:
Don’t cry.
Be tough.
Don’t ask anyone for help.
Only eat meat.
Drive a truck.
Punch feelings in the face.
These guys all knew the rules. And most of them quietly admitted they weren’t really following them. But here’s the kicker—they thought they were the only ones faking it. That’s the shared secret: every guy thinks he’s the only imposter in the room.
Studying in Secret, Partying in Public
Apparently, being a “real man” in college means doing five things: drugs, binge drinking, competitive hetero sex (because it’s not fun unless your number is higher than Biff and Tad), ignoring your classes, and breaking rules (stealing golf carts counts). Oh, and for the love of God, don’t get caught studying. Studying is for nerds and women and other people with futures.
One guy straight-up lied about having a hookup just so he could stay in and cram for chem. He had to hide his book like it was porn. Because according to the man box, intelligence and good grades are weakness. Real men just know things, like Jason Bourne downloading skills through sheer jawline intensity.
This is where it gets even more absurd. The mask tells you to succeed — but don’t look like you’re trying. And if you do try? You’re doing manhood wrong. WTF?!
The Weight of Wearing 47 Masks
It’s bad enough faking one version of masculinity. Now imagine you’re not just a dude — but a Black dude, or a gay dude, or a trans dude, or all of the above. Congrats! You’re now juggling masks like a gendered Cirque du Soleil act.
Men in the study talked about wearing multiple masks depending on the room:
Black masculinity.
Gay masculinity.
Latino masculinity.
Blue-collar masculinity.
College masculinity.
Suburban masculinity.
And sometimes these masks contradicted each other — like being “hard” enough for the guys while not being “too aggressive” for the white lady professor. It’s exhausting. It’s like playing five different roles in five different movies at once… while doing your own stunts… on no sleep… and everyone’s judging your performance.
The Trans Perspective: Literally Proving Manhood
One participant was a trans man who wasn’t even “passing” when he first got to college. So while the other nine guys were metaphorically proving their manhood, he was literally doing it. Posture, voice, wardrobe, working out — it was all a high-stakes performance.
Years later, he looked the part so well, even the researcher didn’t recognize him at first. At work, his coworkers made assumptions: “You talking to the new girl? Bet you’re trying to get with her.” Spoiler: He was gay. And also trans. And not remotely interested. But the other men slapped that mask on him without even blinking. Because that’s what we do. We do it to ourselves, and we do it to each other. We police ourselves.
Wait, Is This a Game?
Here’s the real kicker: most men don’t even realize they’re wearing a mask. They don’t know there is a mask. They just think they’re broken or weird or not man enough. It’s not until someone shows them the box that they start to understand: “Ohhh… this crap’s made up? I’ve been playing a game no one told me about??”
And the moment you get a little awareness? That’s when the real growth can happen. That’s when you realize: this isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility to evolve past it.
And Now… the Unmasking
Eventually, many of the men in the study began to unmask. They stopped pretending as much. But then came the next phase: becoming. Becoming who they actually are, without the mask, without the performance, without the shame.
And look — they’re still figuring it out. We all are. But that’s the point. To be honest. To be authentic. To be human, flawed, confused, and trying to evolve.
Final Thought (or Rant, F*ck, Whatever)
This mask-wearing, fake-it-till-you-die crap is slowly killing us. It’s robbing men of joy, connection, vulnerability, growth — the good stuff. And worse, it’s passed from generation to generation like an STD no one wants to admit they have.
But now that you know about it?
You’ve got a shot at taking it off.
And maybe — just maybe — figuring out who the hell you really are underneath it.
Let’s evolve. Together. Join the movement. Visit GuideToSelf.com and join the tribe. Or email Dr. John and find out how to work together at John AT GuideToSelf.com.
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