Increase Your Self-Worth (Why It’s More important Than Self-Esteem!)

Increase Your Self-Worth: The Key to True Happiness and Success

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Increase Your Self-Worth: The Key to True Happiness and Success – Transcript

Increasing Your Self-Worth: Why It Matters More Than Self-Esteem

Dr. John Schinnerer:This is Dr. John back with the latest episode of the Evolved Caveman Podcast, and I am excited about this one. It’s one I’ve been wanting to do for a while. I’ve been working on it for a couple months now. I don’t think it’s perfect, but I think there’s a lot of really good information on this one.

And it’s all about your self-worth. 

How to increase your self-worth from the inside out because one of the things I’ve noticed is that every one of my clients and myself in our lifetimes has struggled with self-worth and you only get what you feel you’re worthy of. So with that said, I wanna remind you to please like rate, review and subscribe to the podcast to make sure we get the word out to everyone.

As far as possible and to make sure you never miss an episode. So without further ado, here is today’s solo [00:01:00] cast. You ever feel like no matter how hard you work, how much you accomplish, how many damn gold stars you rack up, it’s still not enough. That inner voice whispers or screams at you.

“You’re not doing enough, you’re not good enough. You don’t deserve that love, that praise, that peace, that reward.”

Today I’m calling BS. This episode’s all about self-worth, why it matters to your success and happiness, where it comes from, how we screw it up, and how to finally finely feel like you’re enough, you’re worthy. And spoiler alert, you don’t have to earn it. You’ve already got it.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:You already are worthy. Let’s get into it. Think of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth as the holy Trinity of how we feel about ourselves each related, but with different roots and [00:02:00] effects. And I want you to be aware of all three of them and the differences between them, because if you want to thrive in this lifetime, some of them serve us better than others.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:And it’s the process of fine tuning your psyche and increasing your familiarity with and comfort with your internal landscape. That makes all the difference. If you name it, you can tame it. If you’re aware of it, you can turn the volume up or down as needed. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:So what is self-worth? Let’s define our terms before we start chucking rocks at our self-worth.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Saboteurs. Self-worth is the fundamental belief that you are valuable, lovable, and enough just as you are. It’s your internal sense of worthiness. It is not based on achievement, appearance, or the thickness of your resume. And here’s the bad [00:03:00] news, 80% of women don’t feel they are enough. 73% of men feel not enough.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:That’s tragic and it’s not true. We are all worthy. We are all enough simply by virtue of having been born, breathing, and existing on this earth. At some level, self-worth is the opposite of shame. Where shame is the feeling that we are not worthy of love, connection, and belonging. And by the way, shame’s always full of shit.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:It’s never telling you the truth because nothing you can do or have done. Makes you not worthy of love, connection, or belonging. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:So getting back to self-worth, self-worth is not the same as self-esteem. Self-worth is unconditional. It’s the inner voice saying, I’m valuable even when I fail. It’s not ego, it’s not arrogance.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:It’s the bedrock, the foundation of healthy, [00:04:00] emotional functioning. It’s a deep knowing that you are deserving of love and connection simply because you exist. You take breath because you are born just like the other 8 billion people on this spinning ball of dirt and fire. Self-esteem on the other hand, is conditional self-esteem is how you see yourself globally.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:And self-esteem refers to a person’s overall sense of value, but it’s contingent upon how you last performed. In essence, self-esteem is a broader, more encompassing feeling about oneself. Self-esteem is conditional, and so it fluctuates a lot more based on how you last performed. If you did well on the test, your self-esteem gets a boost and you feel good about yourself.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:I’m so smart. If you fail the test, your self-esteem drops and you likely suffer. In contrast, self-worth is your fundamental belief in your value as a human being, [00:05:00] independent of what you do and how you perform. While self-esteem says, I like myself as a person because I got the promotion, self-worth says I am enough, whether or not I got the promotion, the roots of self-esteem are twofold.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Your internal validation. Such as, I feel good about myself overall as well as external validation or how others view your achievements, your performance, your appearance, and so on. The more your self-esteem is based on these external validations, unfortunately the more fragile it is. And to me, one of the hallmarks of reaching mature adulthood is doing the work to move away from external validations for your sense of self-esteem.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:And the move towards more and more internal validation. This moves us in the direction of self-worth and in a way away from an over reliance [00:06:00] on self-esteem. So what is internal validation? To me it’s a deep knowing of your top three to four values, acting in accordance with those values and praising yourself internally when you do wow, John, nice job. That took a lot of courage. Or way to turn down that woman who came onto you, because I know that’s not in keeping with my value of family or integrity, for example. In this way, we can make ourselves more resilient and steady and rely less on the judgments, motivations, and desires of others, which may or may not be in our best interests.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Self-esteem can be characterized into three distinct types. Low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem have a very hard time valuing themselves. If, self-esteem is too low, you risk being too easily in the grip of shame. Low self-esteem can have a number of negative effects on your life, including [00:07:00] harmful effects on mental health, relationships, and overall wellbeing.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Individuals with low self-esteem can experience anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness. They may also struggle with social interactions, having difficulty forming healthy relationships and be more prone to self-destructive behaviors. Then there’s high self-esteem. People with high self-esteem accept and value themselves.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:High self-esteem is linked to numerous positive effects on mental and physical health, social interactions, and overall wellbeing. Individuals with high self-esteem tend to be more resilient, confident, and have a more positive outlook on life leading to better relationships and improved performance in various aspects of life.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:And then finally, inflated self-esteem. These folks think they are better than others and always underestimate everyone else. Inflated self-esteem or having an unrealistically high opinion of oneself can lead to several negative effects, including [00:08:00] arrogance and inability to accept criticism and difficulty in relationships.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:It can also manifest as an insatiable need for external validation. Think the likes that you get on Instagram and a tendency towards impulsive or risky behavior. 

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Self-worth is similarly not self-confidence. So what is self-confidence? Self-confidence is your belief that you are capable of succeeding at a particular task or in a certain domain.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:I like the idea that self-confidence is a decision you make, that you can learn what you need to learn to accomplish a particular goal. How is it built? Self-confidence is accumulated through repeated successes, building competence through learning and successful and even unsuccessful attempts. The more you realize that you can, the more your self-confidence rises.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:So it takes practice, persistence and learning, but sometimes you gain [00:09:00] the greatest lessons from failures. So both your successes and failures can lead to more self-confidence if you have the right outlook on them. Let me give you an example. When I started out in the field of psychology some 35 years ago, I had little to no self-confidence that I could help my clients.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:I felt I just didn’t know enough. The problems were complex and my knowledge was limited. Over time, as I worked with hundreds and then thousands of clients over decades, I began to recognize patterns of behavior, types of communication styles, attachment styles, underlying subconscious dynamics, how emotions drive behaviors, the different types of cognitive errors we make, and so on.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:As my experience and knowledge base and client successes accumulated, my self-confidence gradually became greater and greater. And interestingly, one of the key indicators of the probability of success of any therapeutic relationship is the degree of self-confidence a therapist has that they can help a [00:10:00] particular client.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Now, one common pitfall to keep an eye out for is high self-confidence, which masks low worth. Many of us have high self-confidence while still feeling inadequate inside. I call this performative self-confidence. Unfortunately, self-worth can be underdeveloped due to early experiences, trauma, and other people shaming us.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Low self-worth is a problem I see affecting every client I’ve ever seen. It’s been a thorn in my side. It’s something I’ve worked on for years to heal, and I’ll talk a bit more about how to do that later on in this episode. When self-confidence is high, it fuels bold action, assertiveness, and high performance.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:For example, if you have high self-confidence, you might think, I know I got this. I’m gonna crush this before your big interview. When self-worth is high, it fuels inner peace, effective boundaries, and self-respect. An example of how this sounds in the [00:11:00] same context is even if I don’t get the job, I’m still worthy.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Now I’m a big fan of metaphors as a teaching tool. So now it’s metaphor time. So here’s the castle metaphor. Imagine you’re a castle. Self-worth is the foundation. It’s the bedrock. You can’t see it, but it holds everything else up without it. The whole structure is unstable, fragile, no matter how grand it looks from the outside and the meth.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:The message from the self-worth is, I’m worthy because I exist now. Self-esteem is the castle itself, the walls, the rooms, and the overall structure. How you see yourself. It can be grand or crumbling depending on how much you accept, and value yourself. The message from self-esteem is, I like and respect who I am.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:As I said, this is also dependent upon how you last performed. It’s variable. It’s. [00:12:00] Finally, self-confidence is the archers on the castle walls. It’s your ability to face challenges, defend yourself, and take action in the world. You can have strong archers confidence and still have cracks in the walls, self-esteem, or a shaky foundation.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Self-worth. The message from self-confidence is, I can handle this. So what’s the bottom line? You can train your archers, your self-confidence and still feel hollow inside. With low self-worth, you can build fancy walls, self-esteem that crumble without a solid foundation self-worth. But when all three are aligned, you’ve got a fortress that is sturdy, grounded, and ready for any challenge.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:So why does it matter? I’ve seen. Executives and businessmen for many years now, and what I’ve noticed is that many high achieving men have sky high confidence. They’ve done great at work, [00:13:00] they’ve crushed it in sports. They’re good at leading others, but underneath their self-worth is shaky. It’s tied to productivity, perfectionism, or the approval of others.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:This leads to burnout, imposter syndrome, or chasing external successes to feel enough. None of which ever last. The real winds having all three, the confidence to act and the belief that you can learn what you need to do to learn what you need to learn to be successful. The ability to see yourself with overall positive regard and the worthiness to rest, and to simply be the belief that you matter regardless of how things have worked out.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Here’s the kicker. Most of us were never taught this. We were taught to earn our worth with grades, with grit, with people pleasing with masculinity, and that’s where things start to go sideways. So let’s talk about where your self-worth gets hijacked. And these [00:14:00] are generally housed in old lies that we tell ourselves.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:For most of us, this starts early in childhood. You got love when you performed. You got approval when you pleased. You got attention when you were well-behaved, quiet, smart, funny or impressive. And so you learned, you internalized the message, my worth is conditional upon how I behave or how I act. Maybe you had a parent who withheld praise unless you aced a test or got first place in a race, or maybe you got bullied, an internalized shame, which made you believe you were unworthy of connection.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Love and belonging or maybe trauma shaped your belief that you’re unlovable unless you do something spectacular or loving. And let’s not forget our good old American culture. Capitalism says you are what you produce. Social media says you are what you look like. The man box says You better be tough, stoic, and [00:15:00] never show emotion.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:All that gets in the way of our self-worth. No wonder we’re exhausted, chasing worth, like it’s a damn finish line will never cross.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Now, let me touch on the inner critic versus the inner coach, because your inner critic, which I imagine you’re familiar with, is your brain’s worst motivational speaker. The inner critic says things like, you’re lazy, you’re an idiot. You’ll never measure up. You shouldn’t need help. Everyone else has it figured out.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:You’re not smart enough. Sound familiar? That’s not your truth. That’s not the truth. This is an old survival strategy, a protective part of your psyche that thinks criticism will keep you safe, productive, or motivated. Newsflash, shame never leads to growth. It leads to hiding. It leads to an unwillingness to take the risk.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Therapist:Shame thrives in the shadows. [00:16:00] It grows there and it wants to keep you there. Also, that ain’t growth. That’s a dungeon prison cell in Game of Thrones. In internal family systems terms, your inner critic is a protector. It means well, but it’s running outdated software. It’s an old strategy from an old context, which doesn’t apply to the new contexts that you currently find yourself in.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Therapist For Men:Instead, you need to work to replace it with a healthier voice. Your inner coach and the inner coach sounds like you’re doing your best. It’s okay to rest. That was a good effort. You’re allowed to ask for what you need. You are enough. Even on your worst day, you’re worth isn’t dependent on how you perform.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:You are worthy now. To cultivate this inner coach voice takes time. It takes daily repeated [00:17:00] practice. So think of yourself as having two voices. The first voice is the quicker of the two. It’s the one you’re most familiar with. It’s the impulsive, emotional, often angry inner critic. In the past when I’d screw up, my first voice would say something like, you fricking dumb ass.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:And it wasn’t even that nice. However, over time, I cultivated and practiced my second voice. Which is the voice of my inner coach. It’s the voice of reason, self-compassion and understanding. It’s how I would speak to a good friend or a client. It’s how I speak to a young child who just made a mistake and for years, the first voice was still there, loud and obnoxious, and then I’d follow it up with a second voice.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Marriage Counselor For Men:Hey, it’s all right. You couldn’t have known that was gonna happen, or that’s okay. This is difficult. Try again. Or maybe I need more practice. Or maybe I need to come at this from a different angle. So play around with the concept of First voice and [00:18:00] second voice. As they say in mindfulness, you can’t stop the thoughts from coming, but you can change how you relate to them.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Okay, so how do we build real unshakeable self-worth? So let’s get to the meat or the tofu of the matter for the plant-based caveman out there. Man, I. I don’t get tofu though. They put it in my chicken pad Thai. I just don’t get it, honestly. Anyway, here’s five ways to cultivate unshakeable self-worth.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Number one, a daily self-compassion practice. Self-compassion is found, has been found to be a root to self-worth. A study by Kristen Neff, who’s one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion, and she, when she looked at self-compassion. Is treating yourself like you would a friend in suffering. She found that self-compassion is more stable and sustainable than self-esteem, especially when you’re dealing with failures.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Marriage Counselor For Men:Why does this [00:19:00] matter? Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion doesn’t rely on being better than others. Self-compassion realizes this isn’t a competition. You’ve got your shit. I’ve got my shit. We’re all just trying to get by. The bonus to self-compassion is that high self-compassion is associated with less depression, less anxiety, less shame, and more resilience and greater wellbeing.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:So if you want higher self-worth, don’t puff yourself up. Be kinder to yourself when you fall down. Self-compassion increases resiliency, reduces anxiety, and boosts motivation better than shame ever could. Now I’m a big fan of borrowing phrases from loving kindness meditation and using them to boost self-worth.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:It sounds something like this, may I feel worthy. May I feel worthy of success. May I feel worthy of love. May I feel worthy of [00:20:00] happiness. May I feel worthy of receiving love, and may I feel worthy of giving love. The idea is to repeat these phrases every day, two or three times a day until you die, or you begin to believe them, whichever comes first.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Marriage Therapist For Men:Number two, track your winds big and small. Start a winds list every night. Write down three things you did well. Even if it’s just I got outta bed or I drank water instead of tequila. Progress is progress. We have to train ourselves to look for the little wins, not just the big ones, because this, the big wins simply don’t come often enough.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:And this tip pulls from sports psychology where elite athletes will, the sports psychologists will play a greatest hits track for the athletes and shows them all their great plays or epic wins in order to psych them up. For a competition, you can do the same thing for yourself. Start a wins list number three.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Set [00:21:00] boundaries. Learn how to get comfortable with making and setting and enforcing boundaries. Every time you say no to something that drains you, you say yes to your self-worth. Boundaries are the behavioral expression of self-respect. Boundaries, teach others how you are willing to be treated. I like the format of, I’m not available for this, but I am available for that.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:For example, let’s say you have a semi annoying friend who’s more of a taker than a giver, and every time you talk on the phone, they end up spewing diarrhea of the mouth on you. They just vent and don’t seem capable of simply asking, so how are you doing? In that case, you can say, I’m not available to go to dinner, but I can talk for 10 minutes while driving to the office.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:This provides you with a natural time-based hard stop for the conversation, thereby protecting your valuable energy. Number four, self validate like a pro. When you mess up, instead of, I [00:22:00] suck, or I’m an idiot, try. That didn’t go how I hoped and I’m still worthy. This sort of validation isn’t ego stroking, it’s psychological oxygen.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:And number five, rewire your brain with gratitude. Seriously, just 30 seconds a day. Think of three things you’re grateful for. Gratitude helps rewire the negativity bias that keeps your inner critic in power. Think of it as retraining your brain to focus on the good in your life. It’s the best way to counterbalance that natural negativity bias.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:The innate tendency we all have to overfocus on negative shit. We must work on training our mind to focus on what we have rather than what we lack. Gratitude is the easiest. Cheapest, most effective way to do this. So here’s some of the benefits of practicing gratitude daily. A boost in mood and happiness.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Higher life satisfaction, [00:23:00] reduced anxiety and stress, greater resiliency. That is the ability to bounce back from life’s inevitable difficulties. Gratitude creates stronger relationships, deeper bonds, you have less frequent conflict. It improves your self-worth. It shifts your perspective from scarcity to abundance.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:You sleep better, it lowers your blood pressure. You have higher motivation and energy, and you have improved focus and creativity. Hell, if this were a drug, you’d be racing to the drugstore to get yours at $500 a dose.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Alright, wrapping up. Worthiness isn’t earned. It’s rediscovered. When you were born, when you were a little kid, you knew you were worthy. It was only after insensitive or unaware adults or mean kids begin shaming you that you mistakenly learned. You are unworthy. So here’s the truth, most of us never got as kids, you are [00:24:00] worthy.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Just because you exist. You don’t need to do more. You don’t need to hustle and grind for love. You don’t need to earn your way into being okay. You are worthy just for breathing, period. You just need to rediscover what was true all along. So here’s your seven day self-worth reboot challenge. Start each morning with one compassionate affirmation.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:Catch the inner critic once a day, challenge him or her and reframe the criticism to be supportive and self-compassionate. End each day with three wins or gratitudes. Try it. You’ll be shocked how fast things shift. In psychological studies, it takes less than two weeks. And if this landed for you, share it with someone whose inner critic has been way too loud lately.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor For Men:This is Dr. John Schinnerer. Thanks for joining me in the cave. Keep evolving. You are worthy as hell, and my hope for you [00:25:00] is that you will have the courage to honestly look at your own shit. Until next time, be kind to yourself. Seriously.