Dr. John Schinnerer,
The Evolved Caveman Podcast, LoveIsntEnough.net Couples Counseling, GuideToSelf.com Men’s Coaching
In recent years, a troubling pattern has emerged among young men in North America—a growing sense of disconnection, frustration, and, ultimately, anger. This isn’t just about individual choices; it’s a confluence of societal shifts that have left many young men feeling adrift. At the heart of this crisis are factors like increased marijuana use, a growing disdain for traditional education, the numbing escapism of gaming, the addictive pull of social media, and the lingering effects of the COVID-19 pandemic. Together, these forces have created a perfect storm of social anxiety, anger, externalized blame, declining marriage rates, and even political radicalization.
Let’s unpack this.
The Decline of Purpose and the Rise of Numbness
For many young men, marijuana has become more than just a recreational substance; it’s a coping mechanism. Regular, heavy use can dull ambition, reduce emotional resilience, and foster a sense of apathy. When combined with an educational environment that often feels irrelevant to their lives—or worse, like a system set up to judge rather than nurture—it’s no surprise that many disengage. The classroom becomes another space where they feel unseen or misunderstood.
This disengagement extends beyond academics. Video games offer an alluring escape, providing a sense of accomplishment and community that feels safer and more rewarding than the real world. Social media, meanwhile, amplifies feelings of inadequacy and isolation, bombarding young men with curated images of success they can’t replicate and outrage-driven content that stokes resentment.
The COVID-19 Effect: Isolation on Steroids
Then came COVID-19, a global event that supercharged existing issues. The pandemic didn’t just isolate people physically; it fractured social development, especially for young men already on the margins. Remote learning widened educational gaps, while the lack of real-world social interactions deepened anxieties about face-to-face relationships. Many young men retreated further into online worlds, where algorithms fed them content that validated their growing frustrations.
The Hidden Cost: Relationships in Decline
All of this has profound implications for relationships. High school seniors who report they have dated fell from roughly 85% in the 1980s to less than 50% in the 2020s with a shockingly steep decline since COVID. Teens have fewer real life friendships, spend more time alone and attend fewer social gatherings. Adults in the U.S. are much less likely to be married. According to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research, the marriage rate in 2022 declined 54% since 1900 (where 31.3% of women were married in the last year as compared to 68.2% in 1900). Marriage rates are plummeting, not just because of young men are falling behind economically, but because many young men feel ill-equipped for the emotional demands of partnership. Vulnerability, communication, compromise—these are skills honed through real-world connections, not online debates or virtual achievements. However, part of this is due to the perception that young men have towards education. I’ve worked with men for 30 years. In the past decade, I have had more young men than I can recall tell me things like “I can’t stand reading”, “I hate school”, “I’m no good at math”, and so on. Over the past four decades, relationships have declined twice as fast for those without a college degree compared to those who’ve graduated college. Yet, in 1980, young Americans aged 25 to 34 were getting married at a quicker rate than those in college.
When men struggle with financial concerns, emotional regulation and self-awareness, relationships suffer. Instead of seeing love as a partnership, it’s often viewed through transactional lenses: “What do I get out of this?” And when relationships fail, the blame is externalized once again—on partners, on societal expectations, on anything but the internal work left undone.
From Frustration to Fury: The Search for Someone to Blame
When people feel powerless, they look for reasons—and often, for scapegoats. Instead of confronting personal vulnerabilities, it’s easier to externalize blame: “It’s the system,” “It’s women,” “It’s immigrants,” “It’s the government.” This is fertile ground for extremist ideologies that promise simple answers to complex problems.
The rise of alt right support among disaffected young men isn’t just about politics; it’s about identity. It offers a sense of belonging, a narrative where they’re the underdogs fighting against a rigged system. It validates their anger and channels it toward perceived enemies, whether that’s the “liberal elite,” women who reject traditional roles, or anyone challenging the status quo.
What Can We Do?
This isn’t just a crisis of masculinity; it’s a crisis of connection, it’s a crisis of emotion. Young men need spaces where they can be vulnerable without judgment, where emotional intelligence is valued as much as intellectual achievement. They need mentors, role models, and communities that offer purpose beyond the dopamine hits of digital life. Young men are drowning in anger, irritability, and annoyance. When we are angry, we cast blame on “the other”. For it is far easier to aim one’s anger at outsiders than look inward and radically accept responsibility for one’s own disappointing life.
We need to reshape education so that it is more inclusive of young men and their particular strengths. We need to reframe success, not as dominance over others but as mastery of self and collaborations with others. We need to teach that strength isn’t about suppressing emotion but about facing it head-on. And we need to create environments—both online and offline—where young men can rediscover the value of authentic connection and of themselves.
The future of relationships, and of society, depends on it.
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