Dr. John Schinnerer
GuideToSelf.com | LoveIsntEnough.net | TheEvolvedCaveman.com
Avoidance.
That sneaky little bastard that convinces you scrolling Instagram is somehow more important than feeling your feelings… having that tough conversation… or, God forbid, looking inward for five whole minutes.
We’re diving into why we avoid the hard stuff—and how that avoidance low-key wrecks our lives, relationships, happiness, and even our mental health.
So if you’ve ever ghosted therapy, dodged a breakup talk, or suddenly felt the urgent need to clean your garage instead of journaling… yeah, this one’s for you.
Why We Avoid Hard Shit
- Evolutionary Wiring: Safety > Truth
Your brain’s #1 job isn’t happiness, insight, or growth—it’s survival.
Discomfort signals danger. So when you feel shame, fear, guilt, or vulnerability, your brain lights up like it’s under attack.
Avoiding hard stuff is your nervous system’s way of saying, “Let’s not die today.”
2. Emotional Pain = Physical Pain
Neuroscience shows that emotional pain (e.g., rejection, shame) lights up the same brain regions as physical pain.
So avoiding a tough convo? That’s your brain dodging a metaphorical punch to the gut. It’s no wonder we scroll, snack, drink, ghost, or binge Netflix instead of doing our inner work.
3. We Confuse Avoidance With Control
When you dodge introspection or conflict, it feels like you’re in control. But really, you’re handing the steering wheel to fear and slapping on noise-canceling headphones. News flash: Avoidance does not equal control.
4. Society Rewards Emotional Numbness
From “don’t cry” to “man up” to “just be positive,” our culture trains us to repress anything that doesn’t look like a pleasant grin. And we mistakenly equate vulnerability with weakness. We armor up, disconnect—and then wonder why we feel empty and alone.
How Avoidance Controls Us and Makes Us Miserable
- What You Resist, Persists (and Usually Gets Weirder)
Unfelt emotions don’t vanish—they marinate. They stew.
They morph into anxiety, depression, insomnia, chronic stress, irritability, or passive-aggressive dish soap messages to your roommate.
Unprocessed emotions come back later and take a bigger bite out of your backside.
Avoidance is like an emotional debt: interest compounds over time. Pay now or pay more later. Up to you.
2. Avoidance Shrinks Your Life
Every avoided convo, feeling, or truth tightens the walls around your life.
Suddenly, your world is smaller: fewer risks, fewer relationships, fewer opportunities.
Congratulations! You are a master at dodging pain and a stranger to joy and connection.
3. It Creates False Selves and Shallow Relationships
If you avoid the messy parts of yourself, you can’t be truly seen. And if you’re not fully seen, you’re not loved—you’re simply tolerated.
Avoidance builds relationships made of eggshells, not intimacy.
4. It Delays Healing
The hard truth: The only way out is through.
That grief you keep stuffing? That guilt you drink away? That resentment you laugh off? The anxiety you bury?
It stays lodged in your nervous system until you’re brave enough to face it. Avoidance is just emotional procrastination.
The Paradox of Healing
Facing the hard stuff doesn’t destroy you—it frees you.
Your emotions are like tunnels – with a beginning, a middle and an end. If you don’t go all the way through, you stay stuck in the dark.
Avoidance says, “This will hurt too much. I can’t handle this.”
Healing says, “It hurts because I’m not facing it. This is tough AND I can deal with this.”
So yeah, it’s hard. But staying stuck is harder. And suppressed emotions will catch up to you. Suppressing emotions is like trying to outrun your asshole. They’re never far behind you. Choose your hard.
If you’d like to choose the type of hard that will reward you with a happier life and more connected relationships, feel free to email Joree Rose, LMFT or myself at info@LoveIsntEnough.net for couples coaching, or me at John AT GuideToSelf.com for individual coaching.
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