By Dr. John Schinnerer | GuideToSelf.com | LoveIsntEnough.net
My Dearest Love,
There are words I should have spoken long ago—words buried in the quiet spaces between us. I know that in those silences, my emotional distance may have made you question your value. And your need for closeness sometimes pushed me into shutdown, stonewalling, or shame.
Let me say this clearly and honestly: I love you. I care deeply for you. That truth has never changed, even if it hasn’t always been clear through my actions.
I’ve seen the confusion in your eyes—the hurt of not knowing where you stood with me. You’ve reached out for connection, and I’ve too often responded with withdrawal, detachment, or emotional absence. Please know: it was never about you.
Emotional intimacy has always felt complicated for me. Not because I don’t crave it, but because somewhere along the way, I learned to associate closeness with risk—of being engulfed, shamed, or found lacking. Vulnerability never felt safe. When you reached out in love, it sometimes felt like I was being pulled into something I might disappear inside. So I pulled away—not to harm you, but to protect myself in the only way I knew.
This is the heart of avoidant attachment in relationships: a deep yearning for love and connection paired with a powerful fear of losing control, autonomy, or identity. I became so self-reliant, so emotionally self-contained, that even genuine love felt threatening.
When things get intense—when you ask for reassurance or emotional connection—I instinctively retreat, numb out, or try to fix everything in silence. Shame creeps in. “I’m not good at this. I’ll disappoint her. She’d be better off without me.” I know this triggers your abandonment wounds. And I hate that. I hate that my coping strategies protect me while hurting you.
I see the pattern now. You reach in, fearing abandonment. I pull away, fearing overwhelm. You ask for more; I panic. You raise your voice to be heard; I shut down to control my reaction. In the end, we both feel alone.
But here’s what matters most: I want to break that pattern.
I want to learn to stay present when things feel uncomfortable. I want to learn to need you without shame, and let you need me without fear. I want to be able to sit with discomfort without fleeing into solitude or self-blame. I want to tell you “I’m struggling” rather than pretend I’m fine. I want to offer reassurance without losing my sense of self.
I want to feel like I am enough—even in moments of conflict or disconnection.
Writing this is not easy. Vulnerability has never come naturally to me. I didn’t grow up in a home where emotions were safe to share. When I tried, I was often dismissed or criticized. But this relationship matters more than my fear. You matter more than my fear.
Thank you for loving me through my walls. I’m slowly learning to install windows in those walls—so you can see into my inner world. Thank you for your patience, your strength, and your willingness to stay. Thank you for holding space for the parts of me I’m still learning to hold myself.
I can’t promise perfection—but I can promise presence, effort, and growth. I will continue showing up—not just when it’s easy, but especially when it’s hard. Because you are worth it. We are worth it. This love is worth it.
And more than anything, I long for a relationship rooted in secure attachment—where we both feel emotionally safe, respected, and truly seen.
With love and commitment,
John
A Note from Dr. John
This letter reflects the inner world I lived in for the first 8 years of our relationship. I was avoidantly attached. My partner, Joree, leaned anxious. We repeated painful, reactive patterns that stemmed from insecure attachment styles—until we hit a wall and made the conscious decision to evolve.
Through therapy, emotional intelligence work, relationship skill-building, and a growth mindset, we moved from insecure patterns to a truly secure, connected, emotionally safe partnership. Today, our relationship is the most fulfilling, trusting part of my life. And it’s a result of consistent effort, not luck.
If this resonates with you—if you’re ready to outgrow anxious or avoidant patterns and step into a healthy, secure relationship—you have options:
Ready to Grow? Here’s Where to Start:
🔹 🎙️ Listen to the Love Isn’t Enough Podcast — Learn the tools for healing attachment wounds, increasing emotional intelligence, and transforming how you love.
🔹 📩 Work with us directly — Email joree@joreerose.com to inquire about private coaching or couples work.
🔹 🌐 Visit LoveIsntEnough.net — Explore therapy, self-paced courses, and tools for building secure, connected relationships.
You are not broken. Your attachment style is not your destiny.
Change is absolutely possible. And we can show you how.
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