By Dr. John Schinnerer
LoveIsntEnough.net | GuideToSelf.com | JoreeRose.com
Welcome back, brave soul. Here is how you can stop being a people pleaser! If you survived Part 1, where we sliced open the people pleasing beast and poked at its guts (a.k.a. crappy boundaries and guilt), congrats—you’re officially on the path out of doormat-ville.
Now let’s dive into the next layer of this psychological dumpster fire: conflict avoidance, loneliness, and resentment. Plus, we’ll show you how to (gasp) identify your own damn needs for once.
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3. Conflict Avoidance: The Emotional Bubble Wrap That’s Slowly Killing You
You think you’re “keeping the peace.” But really, you’re just shoving your truth into a pressure cooker with no release valve. Eventually, that sucker’s gonna blow—and it won’t be pretty.
Conflict isn’t the enemy. It’s a relationship upgrade in disguise. But people pleasers treat conflict like it’s radioactive. Why? Because you’ve been brainwashed to believe that rocking the boat = being a bad person.
Newsflash:
That boat you’re so scared to rock? It’s already taking on water. You can either learn to steer it—or keep bailing and hope nobody notices you’re drowning.
🛠 Reframe It:
Conflict is not a fistfight. It’s a conversation. It’s how grown-ass adults actually connect. If your relationship can’t handle a little honesty, is it really a relationship—or just emotional cosplay?
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4. Loneliness: The Side Effect of Being Everyone’s Favorite Chameleon
You’ve spent years perfecting your likable, agreeable, “easygoing” persona. Congrats! You’re now surrounded by people who have no idea who you really are.
When you shapeshift for everyone else, you disappear to yourself. You can be the life of the party and still feel like a ghost. That’s not connection—it’s performance art.
The Gut Punch:
Real intimacy requires being real. Which means some people won’t like you. And that’s good. Because the ones who do? They’ll actually like you—not your people-pleasing avatar.
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5. Resentment: The Emotional Boil That Pops When You Least Expect It
Here’s the cycle:
You overgive.
You say yes when you mean hell no.
You silently stew.
Then—snap!—you either go nuclear or passive-aggressively sigh your way through life.
Resentment is the cost of abandoning yourself over and over. It doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means something needs to change.
Try This Instead:
When that bitter taste creeps in, ask yourself:
What need of mine just got steamrolled?
What boundary did I ignore (again)?
Did I betray myself for approval?
Then do the radical thing: Stop. Doing. That.
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6. Identifying Your Own Needs: AKA Remembering You’re a Human, Not a Service Animal
This is where most people pleasers short-circuit. You’re so used to scanning everyone else’s moods and fixing their sh\t, you’ve forgotten you even have needs. Or worse—you think having needs is selfish.
Plot Twist:
Having needs is human.
Knowing your needs is power.
Meeting your needs is freedom.
Start small:
Ask, “What do I need right now?”
Wait for the answer (yeah, it might take a minute).
Honor it—even if it pisses someone off.
This is the part where you stop outsourcing your worth and start coming home to yourself.
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The Punchline: You’re Not Broken—You’re Conditioned
People pleasing isn’t who you are. It’s just who you learned to be so you could stay safe, liked, and less alone.
But now? You know too much. And you can’t unknow it. So here’s the real question:
What would it look like to give yourself permission to want what you actually want?
You don’t have to become a jerk. Just become real. Become whole. Say no without spiraling. Set boundaries without guilt. Want things and not apologize for them.
That’s not selfish—it’s sanity.
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Final Thoughts (AKA The Emotional Mic Drop)
If you’re ready to stop people pleasing and start self-trusting, hell yes. This work is gritty, messy, and 100% worth it. Doesn’t matter if you’re 29, 49, or 69—it’s never too late to unlearn the BS and reclaim your voice.
Let’s keep this conversation going. Because love isn’t enough—but badass self-awareness sure as hell is.
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PODCAST LINKS FOR TRAILER:
Wanna Climb Higher Up The Happiness Hill ? Here’s Where To Begin Your Ascent:
😡 For info on Dr. John’s Ultimate Online Anger Management Class (which has over 20,000 graduates!), visit his High Performer Shop.
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💬 The best podcast for relationships and those who want to create a happier, safer love life:
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🎙️ Straight talk on evolution, masculinity & growth on the best podcast for men:
🌱 Joree’s expert work on mindfulness, therapy & transformation from the best therapist for women near you:
📸 For more info on the superb counseling Joree is doing with women who are stuck in their lives, visit her site at
👉 MindfulnessAndTherapyCenter.com
💬 The best podcast for women who seek to get unstuck in live and make the next 30 years better than the last 30:
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