By Dr. John Schinnerer | GuideToSelf.com | TheEvolvedCaveman.com
Let’s just call it out: the stereotype that men are less emotional than women? Total BS. The truth? We feel just as much—we’ve just been trained since kindergarten not to show it unless it involves a sports win, a sports loss, road rage, or losing cell service during our fantasy football draft.
Over the past decade or two, science has come around to what therapists and emotionally intelligent partners have known for ages—bottling up your feelings like a human pressure cooker isn’t exactly great for your mental or physical health. Go figure.
While we still are figuring out the exact biological magic that links emotional expression to health, the research is clear: expressing emotions is good for you. Like kale for your soul. And guess what? Men generally suck at it.
Here’s a quick reality check from the research on how guys stack up when it comes to emotional expression compared to women:
Men vs. Women: Emotional Showdown
– We men have a harder time expressing our emotions and are way better at stuffing them down like emotional hoarders.
– We ruminate more—a.k.a. mentally replay that one awkward conversation or perceived failure 347 times before bed.
– We confide in fewer people (sometimes zero if you don’t count the dog).
– We express emotions with all the intensity of a dead houseplant.
– We use way fewer emotion words—unless you count “I’m pissed.”
– Our behavior is less influenced by emotional expression (or we’re just pretending really hard).
– We tend to under-report negative feelings—denial is a hell of a drug.
– We’re much more likely to share emotions like anger, stress or lust—anything that screams “I’m hetero” or “I’m still in control, bro.”
But Why?
Let’s clear one thing up: this isn’t about biology. It’s not our testosterone levels or caveman genes holding us back. It’s culture. Conditioning. The endless loop of “man up,” “don’t cry,” “don’t be a bitch,” and “real men don’t talk about feelings.”
From a very young age, boys are taught to zip it when it comes to emotions. Male infants actually show more emotion than female infants! Parents talk less about feelings with sons than with daughters. Boys are discouraged from being too sensitive, too expressive, too anything that might not make them a varsity athlete, MMA fighter, or future CEO.
But here’s the kicker: the one emotion we are allowed to show? Anger. Especially when our pride, possessions, or status gets threatened. That, society tells us, is manly. But sadness? Shame? Fear? Vulnerability? Nope. Those get locked away in the vault.
Bottom line? Men feel all the same crap women do—we just package it differently. Usually in a combo of silence, sarcasm, and/or rage.
So What Does This Mean for Our Health?
Enter James Pennebaker—a psychologist who basically said, “Hey dudes, you don’t wanna talk? Cool. Try writing it down instead.”
Turns out, journaling your feelings (yes, like a goth teen poet) doesn’t just help you feel better—it can actually boost your immune system. Seriously. It improves physical health, daily functioning, and emotional regulation.
In other words, grabbing a pen and bleeding onto the page might be the cheapest therapy out there. And unlike venting to your buddy Steve (who replies with nothing but “Damn, bro”), the journal never judges you.
Final Thought
Maybe it’s time we expand our emotional vocabulary beyond “good,” “fine,” and “pissed.” Maybe it’s time we make emotional expression less of a “female thing” and more of a human thing.
So guys—whether it’s a journal, a voice note, or a brutally honest convo with your partner—let that sht out. Because if you don’t, it will come out eventually… and usually at the worst possible time (ask anyone who’s ever lost it over a dishwasher).
Feelings aren’t the enemy. Bottling them is.
—
Want help leveling up your emotional game (without losing your edge)? Check out TheEvolvedCaveman.com or join the tribe at GuideToSelf.com. Email Dr. John at John@GuideToSelf.com to work with him. He’s in a happy, sex-filled relationship. He’s an emotion geek. And he’s funny!
Recent Comments