By Dr. John Schinnerer
Let’s get real for a second: many of us—especially the chronic overachievers and conflict-avoiders—suck at setting boundaries. We say “yes” when we mean “no way,” all in the name of being liked, loved, or at the very least, not yelled at. It’s called people-pleasing, and while it might help you dodge arguments, it can quietly wreck your relationships—especially the intimate ones.
The biggest example of this? In the bedroom!
According to a recent YouGov survey, nearly half of Americans identify as people-pleasers. Women? 52%. Men? A solid 44% (though I suspect many are still too afraid to admit it). The problem? People-pleasing in the sack leads to everything we don’t want—disconnection, resentment, and boring, performative sex that feels more like checking a box than creating real intimacy.
When you consistently put your partner’s needs above your own—especially when it comes to sex—you’re slowly draining the emotional gas tank in your relationship. You’re eroding trust with yourself and your partner. And eventually, the whole thing grinds (but not in a good way!) to a sexless halt.
How People-Pleasing Screws With Your Sex Life:
1. Saying “yes” when your body screams “no”
If you’re agreeing to sex that doesn’t feel connecting or safe, congratulations—you’re betraying yourself. Over time, that betrayal leads to mistrust and disconnection.
2. Performing instead of participating
If sex starts to feel like a chore on your to-do list (right after dishes and just before bedtime), you’re not in it. You’re acting. And guess what? Your body will respond accordingly and your partner can feel it.
3. Hiding your desires like they’re embarrassing secrets
If you’re afraid to speak up for what you want because you might be seen as “too much,” “too needy,” or “too kinky,” you’re cutting yourself off from authentic pleasure.
4. Resentment—the silent intimacy killer
You smile, you nod, you give them what they want… and inside, you’re doing a slow burn. Resentment builds up slowly, but when it explodes, it’s not pretty—and often, it’s too late.
5. Disconnection from your true self
You can’t have authentic intimacy without vulnerability. And if you’ve been trained to believe your full self isn’t safe to share, you’ll always keep part of you locked away. Better to practice vulnerability.
Here’s the kicker: a 2022 study found that women who viewed their male partners as having “fragile masculinity” were *more likely* to fake orgasms, feel anxious, and communicate less honestly. Think about that. We’re so busy protecting egos, we’re sacrificing real connection.
So… How Do You Stop People-Pleasing in Bed?
Here’s the brief roadmap out of this toxic cycle:
1. Figure out where the hell this came from
Chances are, you learned to people-please in childhood—maybe love was conditional, or you felt unsafe expressing needs. You’re not broken. You were adapting. But now? That sh*t’s outdated and you’re running old scripts.
2. Set boundaries like your happiness depends on it (because it does)
Start small. Practice saying “no” to things like dinner plans or favors. Then work your way up to “I’m not in the mood” without apologizing. It’s ok to say “No.”
3. Shift your validation source—outward to inward
Stop waiting for gold stars from your partner. Start asking yourself: *What do I want right now?* Then honor it. The shift from external validation to internal validation is a hallmark of emotional maturity.
4. Have the hard conversations
Yes, talking about sex and needs can feel awkward. Do it anyway. Real intimacy begins where the performance ends. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets. I know. I used to be embarrassed to say “penis!”
5. Untangle your worth from how much you give
You are not lovable *because* you meet everyone’s needs. You are lovable *as you are.* Want proof? Start by treating yourself with the same care and compassion you give everyone else.
Discover how to slow down your need to please others for greater happiness
And if you want more detail on HOW to become less of a people pleaser, please, please, please do yourself a huge favor and listen to this episode (The People Pleaser’s Plight: How To Stop Feeling Too Guilty) of The Evolved Caveman Podcast that I did with my partner, Joree Rose, LMFT. It’s outstanding and identifies the 6 areas you need to address to be more assertive and feel less guilty for speaking up for your own needs. And for your personal education, the 6 areas are:
- Difficulty drawing boundaries,
- Having an overactive sense of guilt,
- Being conflict avoidant,
- Having a fear of loneliness,
- A gradual accumulation of anger & resentment and
- Not knowing what your needs are
Look, the best sex and deepest love come from a place of safety, honesty, and mutual respect. Not obligation. Not fear. Not performative connection. And definitely not from shrinking yourself to keep the peace.
Want better sex? Start with a better relationship with yourself.
Be sure to check out the new Relationship Master Class which Joree and I do monthly in topics such as fighting well, anger, appreciation and gratitude, how to have great sex, attachment styles, communication and much more! Find out more at LoveIsntEnough.net.
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