What Is the Secret to a Happier Life? The Habit We Practice Least

By Dr. John Schinnerer  

GuideToSelf.com | LoveIsntEnough.net | TheEvolvedCaveman.com 

Let’s be real—between the stress, annoyance, and collective burnout we’re all wading through, just about everyone could use a serious happiness upgrade. And here’s the upside: happiness isn’t just a nice-to-have. It’s a *must-have*—a performance enhancer for your entire life.

We’re talking deeper relationships, a stronger immune system, higher productivity, more creativity, greater resilience… the list goes on. And here’s the kicker: happiness isn’t some mystical, uncatchable unicorn. It’s a habit. Which means it can be built. Strengthened. Trained. Daily.

But the most powerful habit for happiness?  

It also happens to be the *least* practiced.

The Top 10 Habits That Drive Happiness (According to Science)

The nonprofit *Action for Happiness* asked 5,000 people to rate themselves on 10 science-backed habits proven to increase well-being. Here they are:

1. Acts of kindness (giving)

2. Nurturing key relationships

3. Moving your body (exercise)

4. Noticing the good (gratitude)

5. Staying curious and learning

6. Having meaningful goals

7. Resilience after setbacks

8. Cultivating positive emotions (joy, awe, peace, etc.)

9. Living with purpose

10. Self-compassion

The most practiced habit? Kindness to others. Which makes sense—helping others gives us a happiness boost. The average rating was 7.4 out of 10. Right behind that was investing in relationships (7.36 out of 10).

Now for the plot twist…

Self-Compassion: The Most Powerful Predictor of Happiness — and the Least Used

The habit most closely tied to happiness?  

Self-compassion—the ability to treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and grace.

And yet… it came in last. Dead last.

The average score for self-compassion was a measly 5.56. Less than a third of people rated themselves above a 6. And only 5% gave themselves a perfect 10.

Why is that?

Because most of us were never taught how to be kind to ourselves. We were raised on messages like “toughen up,” “be the best,” “don’t mess up,” “don’t be weak.” We got applause for achievements, not self-awareness. We learned that love was conditional. That worth had to be earned. That failure was unacceptable.

All of that fuels the inner critic—and that voice is already LOUD thanks to evolution’s negativity bias.

It’s time to quiet that critic and rewrite the narrative.

Why This Matters (A Lot)

Professor Karen Pine of the University of Hertfordshire puts it plainly:  

“Practicing these habits really *can* boost our happiness. But self-acceptance may be the single most impactful one—and the one most people neglect.”

Dr. Mark Williamson, Director at *Action for Happiness*, adds:  

“We’re drowning in pressure to be successful and compare ourselves to everyone else. That creates anxiety, discontent, and low self-worth. Learning to accept ourselves—flaws and all—can change the game.”

How to Build Your Self-Compassion Muscle

Want more happiness? Start with how you treat *yourself*. My former Cal classmate, Dr. Kristin Neff—one of the world’s experts in self-compassion—offers these three powerful practices:

#1. Speak to yourself like someone you love.

When you mess up, talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a kindergartner. Gently. Supportively. Let your self-talk come from a place of care, not criticism.

#2. Ask someone what they value about you.

Then actually *believe* them. Take it in. And while you’re at it, tell them what you value about them too. Double win.

#3. Practice kindness inward, not just outward.

Visualize extending kindness to someone else. Then picture them returning that kindness to you. Finally, aim that same compassion toward *yourself*. Start when things are calm. Then practice it during emotional flare-ups.  

Tell yourself:  

*May I feel worthy.  

May I feel worthy of love.  

May I feel worthy of success.  

May I feel worthy of happiness.*

—

What Are Positive Emotions, and Why Do They Matter?

Positive emotions are feelings like joy, gratitude, interest, contentment, pride, amusement, hope, love, and awe. They are not just pleasant extras. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory proposes that positive emotions temporarily widen what you notice and what you are willing to try, and that over time this helps you build lasting physical, intellectual, social, and psychological resources (Fredrickson, 2001).

Negative emotions narrow your focus, which is useful when there is a real threat. Positive emotions do the opposite. That is why a man who is always braced for the next problem rarely has the bandwidth to be creative, playful, or close to anyone.

Three Ways to Cultivate Positive Emotions This Week

1. Notice the good on purpose. Each night, write down three things that went well and why. In a randomized study, this was one of the exercises that lastingly increased happiness (Seligman et al., 2005).
2. Savor one moment a day. Slow down for 30 seconds during something good, like coffee on the porch, your kid’s laugh, or a win at work, and actually let it land.
3. Go looking for awe. A walk outside, music that moves you, a big sky. Awe pulls your attention out of your own head for a minute, which is often exactly what a stressed brain needs.

Self-compassion, the habit above, makes all of these easier. It is hard to feel joy while your inner critic is running the meeting. Want a structured way to build these habits? The Happiness Course walks through six modules of evidence-based positive psychology.

The Bottom Line

If you want to be happier, don’t just check boxes or chase goals.  

Look in the mirror and ask: *Am I being kind to myself?*

Because self-compassion isn’t weakness. It’s a damn superpower.  

Practice it. Daily. Especially when you fall short.  

Because life isn’t about perfection.  

It’s about learning to love yourself through the mess.

Source: University of Hertfordshire. “Self-acceptance could be the key to a happier life, yet it’s the happy habit many people practice the least.” *ScienceDaily*, March 7, 2014. [Read the full study](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/03/140307111016.htm)