I got an email today from a woman whose husband is estranged from their daughter. The daughter is demanding that he take anger management classes before he can see the grandchildren. Here is part of my response…
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
I know how your husband feels. I went through a divorce 6 years ago. Two of my children are alienated from me for different reasons. I have reached out repeatedly to both of them over the past several years without success. In the past two years, I have stopped reaching out.
I have conflicting thoughts about it. Part of me wants to reconcile. Part of me is stubborn, male, angry and hurt (“Why should I reach out anymore? I’ve reached out dozens of times.”). The whole situation hurts terribly. I’ve never experienced such a heartbreak. I don’t feel I deserve to be treated in such a way. And yet, here we are.
Ultimately, it is easier to travel lighter through this world and not carry around old, stale anger. So, when given the chance, I will reconcile with them.
It’s as if we go through the world carrying a backpack. Each hurt, affront and slight is like a rock which we put in the backpack. At first, the load is bearable. Over years, the load is soul-crushingly intolerable.
“My daughter is angry with me.” Put a stone of hurt in the backpack.
“My wife denied me sex.” A rock of rejection.
“My spouse criticized my driving.” A stone of underappreciation.
“I’m lonely even when my wife is around.” A pebble of loneliness.
We carry the backpack of rocks around as if we have no choice, as a badge of honor, “Look at how much emotional garbage I can carry!” The backpack isolates us and makes us feel more lonely; as if no one else suffers like we do; as if our suffering is somehow unique.
Your suffering is not unique. Millions of people have suffered exactly as you have. And perhaps one of them has the key to unlock that suffering.
Relationships don’t typically end due to one huge event. Relationships end due to 1000’s of tiny paper cuts – small resentments, insults, and disrespects.
The inevitable cycle of relationships is this —
1. Connection
2. Disconnection
3. Repair
Yet, no one ever teaches us the skills of repair. And without solid repair skills, most relationships are doomed. This is part of why our divorce rate hovers around 50%.
For instance, the best way out of the backpack of anger is forgiveness. Take off the backpack. Empty it out. Travel light. It’s a simple skill. Learn the basics of forgiveness. You forgive to help yourself. No act is unforgivable. We just think some things are unforgivable. You must forgive yourself. You must forgive others. You do so daily. It doesn’t feel authentic at first. That’s ok. Keep doing it. Over time, you will experience less anger, less depression, less anxiety and more frequent positive emotions.
These are a series of skills that all of us need to learn!
One way to do this is to take one of my online courses which you can find at www.GuideToSelf.com.
Share this with your husband. Perhaps it will help him to see that these skills are helpful to live a happier, calmer and more fulfilling life. They help every relationship that we have.
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