Bids for Attention: How to Not Emotionally Ghost Your Partner (and End Up Lonely with a Dog That Judges You)
By Dr. John Schinnerer, your friendly neighborhood shrink and emotional survival guide
GuideToSelf.com | LoveIsntEnough.net | TheEvolvedCaveman.com
Let’s cut the crap and get real for a second.
There’s one ridiculously simple habit that can make or break your relationship — and no, it’s not weekly date night or tantric sex (though hey, knock yourself out). It’s something way less sexy, but way more powerful: turning toward your partner’s bids for attention.
Yep. That’s it. Bids. For. Attention.
So simple it sounds dumb. So important it might save your marriage.
WTF is a “Bid for Attention”?
Think of a bid like an emotional ping. It’s your partner, kid, or coworker saying, “Hey, I’m over here. Wanna connect?” It could be:
A casual “Did I tell you about the Johnsons?”
A “How do these jeans look?” (Spoiler: this is not about the jeans.)
A sigh-heavy “Ugh, brutal day at work.”
Or even a sexy little “Wanna play cards?” (Double entendre optional.)
They’re small, often subtle, and if you’re not paying attention, you’ll miss them. But ignore enough bids, and guess what?
Connection dies.
Slowly. Painfully. Silently.
Like your houseplants. Or your gym membership.
Science Says You’re Probably Screwing This Up
John & Julie Gottman — relationship wizards and human lie detectors — studied couples for decades and found a freaky pattern:
Happy couples? They turn toward each other’s bids 86% of the time.
Doomed couples? Just 33%.
That’s not just a stat. That’s a neon blinking sign saying “TURN THE HELL AROUND BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.”
Turning toward a bid doesn’t mean fireworks. It means you looked up from your phone, grunted something non-hostile, or said, “Tell me more.” Easy.
Ignoring a bid or snapping “I’m busy!”? That’s a micro-rejection. And when you do it 700 times? That’s death by emotional paper cuts. The silent killer of intimacy.
Common Bids You Miss All the Damn Time
Let’s decode this, shall we?
“Hey, do you wanna play cards?” = “Let’s connect.”
“How do I look?” = “Please see me.”
“My mom called today.” = “Let me share my life with you.”
“Sit with me.” = “I need comfort. Be my human blanket.”
“Work was brutal.” = “Help me unwind before I punch drywall.”
If you’re not picking up on these cues, it’s probably because your head is buried in your screen, or you’ve mistaken your partner for background noise.
Electronic Devices: AKA Relationship Kryptonite
Phones, video games, TikTok, Netflix — all glorious inventions designed to melt your brain and sabotage your love life. They suck up your attention, leaving zero bandwidth for bids.
Turn away too many times, and your partner will eventually stop trying. Then they start bidding elsewhere — maybe emotionally, maybe physically — and suddenly you’re Googling “why is my partner so distant” while binge-eating chips on the couch alone.
How to Not Suck at This
Here’s the fix:
Start paying attention. Like, actually listen when your partner speaks. Look up. Respond. Even if it’s just “Give me two minutes and I’m all ears.”
Some A+ responses:
“Tell me more.”
“I’d love to hear about it.”
“Hold up — let me pause this so I can focus.”
“Ooooh, spill the tea.”
Seriously, it doesn’t take Shakespearean sonnets. Just show up. Even halfway is better than nothing.
Ask yourself:
Am I closer to the 33% or the 86%?
Then move the damn needle.
Even During Fights, You Can Turn Toward
Hard mode: disagreements.
You’re pissed. They’re defensive. You want to launch a verbal grenade. But what if — hear me out — you took a breath, unclenched your jaw, and chose to turn toward?
Remind yourself:
“They’re not trying to hurt me.”
“Their intentions are probably good.”
“I love this human (even if I want to strangle them right now).”
That mindset shift can crack open the door to connection, even mid-fight.
Final Pro Tips from the Emotional Trenches
Don’t label bids as interruptions. See them as acts of bravery — someone trying to connect with you. Even your 5-year-old saying “Dad, look!” for the 12th time.
Be curious. There’s often a deeper need behind the ask.
Don’t wait for big moments. Bids are in the tiny, mundane, everyday stuff.
Still getting annoyed? Try writing alone in a cave. For the rest of us, learn to shift focus and then come back to the task.
Don’t Be a Bid-Dismissing Jackass
Relationships don’t die because of one big fight. They die because of thousands of missed chances to connect. Don’t wait until your partner stops trying.
Start noticing the bids.
Start turning toward.
Start giving a damn — even just a little.
You’ll be amazed what grows in that tiny space between “Ugh, what?” and “Tell me more.”
This is Dr. John Schinnerer with The Evolved Caveman. May your bids be noticed, your phones be facedown, and your partner feel like you actually give a crap. Peace out. 🧠💥
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