How To Get Your Husband To Go To Marriage Therapy
Dr. John Schinnerer
“How can I get my husband to go to couples counseling?!” This is one of the most common questions I get as a couples therapist. Helping a husband get into couples counseling and ultimately, evolve into a better partner, is more about creating the right environment and invitation than trying to force it to happen. Men aren’t typically socialized growing up to be communicative, emotionally aware or relational. Rather, men are socialized to be self-reliant, emotionless, and independent. So, the fact that you are having a hard time connecting emotionally with your husband isn’t necessarily his fault, it is (in my humble opinion) his responsibility to learn new and better ways to show up in relationship (but only if he wants to be happier). Emotional growth is deeply personal, but here are some ways a wife can support and inspire that journey, including getting him to accompany you to (the dreaded) couples counselor:
1. Model Emotional Awareness and Vulnerability
Lead by example. Show him what it looks like to feel deeply, express safely, and process emotions with curiosity—not shame or judgment. Men typically go to shame when dealing with more intense, uncomfortable emotions such as depression, shame or anxiety. This just makes those emotions stick around longer and more intense. So seek to meet his emotions without judgment, with curiosity and compliment him when he shares how he’s feeling. When he sees that emotional openness is met with connection, not criticism, it becomes safer for him too.
Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counselor
2. Create Psychological Safety
If he feels judged, belittled, or pressured, he’ll likely shut down or get defensive. But if he feels accepted and valued—even when he’s emotionally messy—he’s more likely to open up and grow. This is the goal – a safe and secure relationship…for both of you.
3. Communicate with Compassion, Not Control
Use “I” statements and curiosity instead of blame or ultimatums. Instead of “You never open up,” try “I feel disconnected sometimes and I’d love to know what’s going on inside for you.” This takes some practice, however it’s a game changer.
4. Celebrate Small Emotional Wins
If he shares something vulnerable, even if it’s small or awkward, acknowledge it. Reinforce the behavior you want to see more of with gratitude, not correction, saying something like, “Thank you so much for sharing that with me.”
5. Encourage, Don’t Nag
Suggest resources like books, podcasts, or therapy—but not in a “you need fixing” tone. Instead, share what’s inspired you and invite him in. Something like, “This book really changed how I see connection. Want to listen to a chapter together?” Or “I found this podcast episode to be really informative, would you be open to listening to it?” You can suggest he check out my podcast aimed at helping men evolve, The Evolved Caveman, or our more recently released podcast on relationships, Love Isn’t Enough. This is a safe way to take in information without the typical anxiety often associated with visiting a couples therapist.
6. Address Wounds with Compassion
Many men have been raised with emotional suppression or shame. Understand that his hesitancy might be about fear, or shame, not unwillingness. Be patient—he might not even realize what he’s missing. And usually, it’s fear of the unknown that holds us back.
7. Focus on Connection, Not Just Correction
Emotional growth can’t just be about fixing a “problem”—it has to be about building a better bond. Frame it as a way to get closer and build a happier relationship, not just to change him. The goal is not to make him feel bad or wrong, but to get his buy in to creating a more connected relationship in which both of you feel safe, secure and content.
8. Leave Books and Article Around
A subtle approach is to leave a book around which you are reading, such as Secure Love by Julie Monnano, or The New Rules Of Marriage: What You Need To Know To Make Love Work by Terry Real. See if you can spark his curiosity to get him to read a bit.
It’s one of the questions I get most frequently, “How can I get my husband to go to couples counseling?” And it’s a difficult one. You can’t force him. You don’t want to strong arm him. Ideally, you want to model emotional awareness, be nonjudgmental about how he’s feeling, focus on connection rather than correction, be compassionate around his wounds, compliment the behaviors you want to see more of, and encourage rather than criticize. Using these tools, you have the best chance of having your husband accompany you willingly, albeit begrudgingly, to marriage therapy.
Be sure to check out our website at LoveIsntEnough.net for the latest in couples therapy. You can find out more about the podcast at TheEvolvedCaveman.com. And discover Dr. John’s coaching for men at GuideToSelf.com.
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