Why Ego Death Is A Worthy Goal

THE DEATH YOU NEED (BUT DON’T WANT): WHY YOUR EGO IS WRECKING YOUR LIFE AND HOW TO BURY IT

Let’s talk about ego death.

Yeah, I know—it sounds like some woo-woo nonsense touted by a bearded guy in a long linen robe at a Burning Man drum circle. But stick with me here, because your ego may just be ruining your life, and a good old-fashioned identity meltdown might just be the best thing that ever happens to you.

Ego death isn’t about losing your personality or becoming a doormat. It’s about getting over what may be the worst parts of yourself —dropping the fragile, defensive, approval-hungry version of you that’s been driving the bus called “you” straight into other cars for years. Sound harsh? Excellent  Let’s dig in deeper.

WHY YOUR EGO NEEDS TO DIE (OR AT LEAST TAKE A LONG NAP)

1. Your Ego Can Fuel Insecurity And A Fear of Failure 

If your self-worth is shackled to your resume, your body fat percentage, or how many likes you got on that mediocre vacation post, guess what? Every stumble and disappointment feels like the world is ending. With ego, failure isn’t feedback—it’s a full-blown existential emotional meltdown. Your ego’s fragile little shell can’t handle reality, and you end up curled in a ball instead of learning anything useful.

2. Your Ego Leads To Relationship Struggles  

The ego hates being wrong. It would rather burn the house down than say, “You’re right, I messed up. I’m sorry.” The ego is how you end up in petty fights, silent treatments, and completely avoidable breakups. Want to be a better partner? Kill the part of you that needs to win every argument. Silence the part of you that leads to defensive responses to every perceived criticism by your partner. 

3. Ego = Lack of Growth 

If you’re overly attached to your identity as “the smart one,” or “the strong one,” or “the one who has their sh*t together,” good luck evolving, learning and growing. Your ego keeps you locked in a self-made box labeled “Do Not Disturb.” Change? Risk? Vulnerability? Nope, too dangerous. Too threatening. Your ego prefers the illusion of safety and control over stepping out of the comfort zone to make actual progress, progress which would make you happier and more lovable.

4. The Ego Is Addicted To Perfectionism and Stress  

The ego is a control freak with unrealistic expectations. It’s terrified of looking flawed. It hates saying “I don’t know.” It hates being embarrassed. Unfortunately, ego means you spend your life in a pressure cooker of anxiety and imposter syndrome. It ensures you never feel good enough. Congratulations—you’re stressed, exhausted and still not happy.

5. Ego Breeds Inauthenticity  

When your ego is running the show, you’re basically a PR campaign for a version of yourself that doesn’t exist. You say what you think people want to hear. You act like you’re fine when you’re falling apart inside. And one day, you wake up wondering why no one really knows the real you and you feel disconnected from everyone. Hint: it’s because you don’t even know what you’re feeling most of the time, you don’t know what truly motivates you, and you’ve never had the balls to let anyone see inside your internal landscape of thoughts, feelings, goals, dreams and aspirations.

6. Victim Mentality And Ego Are Joined At The Hip 

If your ego gets bruised easily, you’ll spend your life playing the blame game. Since your ego can’t take a hit, it’s safer to believe nothing is ever your fault; the world is unfair, everyone’s out to get you, God is punishing you, your spouse left you because they are narcissistic. It’s easier to be the victim than to take a good, hard look in the mirror. But here’s the thing—no growth ever comes from a pity party. Those that externalize blame (i.e., blame everyone but themselves for their life circumstances) are destined to repeat patterns of misery and unhappiness as they guarantee they will not learn the difficult lessons life is kindly providing them — ever. 

7. Ego Is Scared Sh*tless of Vulnerability 

Real connection and deep relationships comes from vulnerability. And happiness is all about connection. But your ego is convinced that vulnerability = weakness. So your ego keeps your walls up, your emotions locked down, anxiety and fear in high gear, and true intimacy stays out of reach. You’re armored up like a medieval knight, wondering why no one can get close.

8. Ego Causes Spiritual and Existential Disconnection  

Let’s get deep for a second. When the ego is in charge, everything feels hollow. Success doesn’t satisfy. No matter how much you success, how much money you make, how many cars you have, how beautiful your spouse is, how many awards and diplomas are on the wall, you just can’t see to get satisfied, content or happy for any length of time. Relationships feel shallow. You’re constantly chasing something but never quite sure what. You don’t know what will satisfy your existential itch for meaning, satisfaction and happiness. That’s because the ego doesn’t do meaning. It only does status, approval, and social comparison. Not exactly soul food. And it leaves you perpetually starving for more substance.

OKAY, GREAT. SO HOW DO YOU OFF YOUR EGO?

Don’t worry—you don’t have to shave your head and live in a yurt (unless you’re into that). Ego death doesn’t happen in one dramatic lightning bolt moment. It’s a slow, intentional process that looks something like this:

– Practice mindfulness. Learn to observe your thoughts without being ruled by them. Stop being your brain’s bitch. Thoughts are meant to work FOR you, not control you. Meditation, breath work, even taking a quiet walk without your phone helps.  

– Tell the truth. About how you feel, what you need, and what scares the hell out of you. Vulnerability is the axe that cracks the ego’s shell.  

– Fail more often.  Get more comfortable failing. Screw something up and don’t die inside. The world won’t end, and you’ll learn more in five failures than in a decade of pretending you’ve got it all figured out.  

– Stop performing like a seal. Stop doing. Start being. Show up as the real you—even if it’s messy, uncertain, or awkward.  At least those are authentic and real!

– Seek connection, not validation. Stop seeking external validation (from other people). Start seeking internal validation (based on your top values). People don’t love you because you’re impressive. They love you because you’re human. Act like it.  

– Do the inner work. Therapy. Coaching. Journaling. Psychedelics with supervision. Be quick and easy to laugh and smile (and stop caring how you look while doing so). Whatever helps you peel back the layers of armor you’ve built.  Find ways to reveal your mind to itself. Discover how you really feel. 

By the way, while I was on a journey of magic mushrooms recently, I had an idea for a guided meditation to help folks kill the ego. If you’d like to take a listen, click below…

One Final Thought…

Your ego thinks it’s keeping you safe, but in reality, it’s keeping you stuck, scared, and spiritually malnourished. When you finally loosen its panic-stricken death grip, life gets lighter. Relationships get deeper. And you finally start living instead of performing. So go ahead—let your ego take the backseat for once. It’s not driving you anywhere worth going anyway.

Note: There are currently 3-4 openings to work with Dr. John Schinnerer. If you’d like more info, please email him at John@GuideToSelf.com or visit the High Performer Shop and take a look at his coaching package there.