What’s the biggest gift you can give your loved ones? Help them to take your bad moods less personally.
Thirty years ago, the wisest professor I had at UC Berkeley, Meji Singh, dropped this truth bomb on me:
“John, we make the mistake of taking 95% of what other people say, do and feel personally. But, in truth, only about 5% has anything to do with you.”
That pearl has rattled around in my head for years. Because let’s be real: you often believe that everything anyone does, says, or feels is about you. Spoiler alert: the vast majority of times (about 95%!), it has nothing to do with you.
Dr. John Schinnerer – Couples Counselor in Danville CA
Examples:
Your Uber driver is noticeably annoyed. “What did I do to piss this fool off?!”
Your wife got up on the wrong side of the bed. “Why is she so wound up about me coming home late last night?!”
Some crazy bastard on the freeway is weaving through traffic like a rattlesnake on crack cocaine. “What’s the matter with this jerk?!”
Your boss crashes into the office noticeably annoyed. “Uh oh—he hates the presentation I did yesterday!”
Sound familiar? We over-personalize everything. It’s time to pop that self-referential bubble. Here’s how you can do that:
1. Don’t Take Others’ Shit Personally. Here’s How:
First: stop pretending you’re the the sun and remind yourself you aren’t the center of everyone’s universe. When someone’s throwing shade in your direction, resist the thought, “Why are they mad at me?” Instead, launch into your new favorite pastime, The Depersonalization Game.
The Depersonalization Game
Whenever you catch yourself thinking “Why are they upset at me?!”, slow your roll and come up with 5 possible reasons their crappy mood has nothing to do with you:
Example: That Annoyed Uber Driver?
He got in a fight with his partner this morning.
His teen son was arrested on drug charges.
He is struggling with some once-in-a-lifetime diarrhea.
He can’t raise the money he needs for that divorced daddy make-over.
The more outlandish, the better. The idea: train yourself to overcome the “What did I do?” narrative with a multiple funny, plausible interpretations that have nothing to do with you. Soon enough, you’ll realize most people’s bad moods are their own shit, and have nothing to do with you.
2. How To Help Other People Not Take Your Shit Mood Personally
Let’s check the other side of the coin and discuss how to pay this idea forward for your friends, family, coworkers, supermarket cashier—anyone who deserves some kindness when you’re in an irritable or bummed out mood. Because nothing depletes energy and attention like someone silently obsessing over, “WHAT DID I DO TO PISS THIS GUY OFF?!”
Emotion vs. Mood (An Important Distinction Here!)
Emotion: A short-lived, energizing, rigid set of bodily symptoms (e.g., tight chest, constricted throat, increased heart rate, etc.) which has a cause. The bear appears in the woods, you feel terror, you sprint like your life depends on it (oh wait, it does). The bear is the cause of your fear. Emotions last roughly 3 minutes, but we often do a good. Job of dragging them out much longer than we need to.
Mood: Emotions stretched thin over time. Less intense (usually) than emotions. Critical point: A mood does not need a cause. Sometimes you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Some days, you wake up in a great mood. A mood can come from a romantic breakup, relationship challenges, or for no frikkin’ reason at all.
Big A-ha Moment: Moods don’t need a cause. They just ebb and flow. Giving yourself and loved ones permission to feel your moods is important. Emotions are temporary pit stops; moods are longer road trips. When you allow this fact to sink in to your melon, you begin to allow yourself the freedom to be in the mood you’re in. You leave behind the self-loathing that normally comes on the heels of a mood. Example: You are irritable. Followed by “I shouldn’t feel like this.” You get angry about being irritable. Then you get resigned and bummed out about your mood. None of these emotional gymnastics help you get out of your mood. Practice accepting your moods without judgment. They just are!
The Crank Call
The Crank Call is what I call it when you are brave and aware enough to share the shitty mood that you’re in with those about whom you caret. So when you wake up and realize you’re a ticking time bomb of “Leave me alone, I hate everyone,” do everyone a favor and share your “Crank Call.” Something like:
“Hey love, I want to give you a heads up—I’m in a grouchy mood today. It’s not about you. It’s just a bad mood.”
Wham. The mystery of your surliness has been satisfactorily solved. Now your spouse doesn’t have to waste their valuable time or energy guessing what they did that might have put you in a shitty space. What’s more, they can choose to offer you sympathy, a hug, or just give you space —whatever works for you.
Why This Is A Radical Relational Goldmine
1. Reduces Drama
No burning question. No confusion. No taking your partner’s mood personally. So there are simply fewer blow-ups over stupid stuff.
2. Builds Trust
One of the biggest questions I get is how do we build/rebuild trust in my relationship. This is one of the best ways to do that. You’re saying, “Honey, I care for you enough to own my shit. This issue here is mine. Not yours. You don’t have to take this on (unless you want to help).” You get the “I’m Not Crying—You’re Crying” Spouse Excellence Trophy. You earn brownie points for respect, awareness and communication skills. Long term trust develops because you’re the opposite of emotionally volatile. You’re predictable and emotionally mature. What?!
3. Hastens Mood Recovery
You get out of your shitty mood more quickly. You are more resilient (i.e., you bounce back from uncomfortable moods and emotions faster). By sharing how you feel, you get through it more quickly.
4. Encourages Real Support
Your loved ones can then ask, “Do you want a hug? Do you want me to just listen? Or do you want me to try to fix it?” instead of “Are you mad at me?”
How To Master Your Crank Call
1. Know Your Crankiness Level
Level 1: Mild annoyance—you had a bad night’s sleep.
Level 5: Anger—someone cut you off on the road.
Level 10: Total meltdown—“I can’t stand humans!”
If you’re at a 3 or above, it’s time to make your Crank Call.
2. Scan Your Body
According to research, here is the easiest way to build emotional awareness. 3 times per day, stop, pause, breathe, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Notice every twinge, tightness or “Why is my jaw so tight?” You’re basically using GPS on your internal “holy crap I’m pissed” body map. This has been shown in research to build emotional self-awareness. And the best part is your answer doesn’t matter. What seems to matter is simply the process of stopping, doing a quick scan of your body and asking that all important question.
3. How To Deliver Your Crank Call
Text: “I’m in a bummed out mood. And it’s got nothing to do with you.”
Voice: “Sweetheart, I am irritable today. Nothing to do with you—just pissed at life.”
Nonverbal: Raise your eyebrow, pinch your nose with your fingers, bend your knees and pantomime drowning movements.
Then, quickly remind them:
“In all seriousness, I love you. This is just a passing mood. Just wanted you to know.”
4. Follow Up
Option A: Do something physical. Go for a short walk, turn up the tunes, wish lovingkindness thoughts on the trees in your backyard.
Option B: Touch base later with your spouse. Check in with a “Thanks for supporting me today. I really appreciate it.”
What Happens When You Can’t Make The Crank Call
We all have bad days and make mistakes. Sometimes we can’t make the Crank Call because we’re too far gone into the mood. That’s okay.
1. Apologize Quickly: “I am so sorry I lost my temper. I accidentally put my anger on you and it wasn’t really about you.”
2. Re‑state (or State) Your Crank Call: “I realized I am having a shitty day. It’s just a mood. No cause. This is not about you.”
3. Make It Right: Back massage, grocery store run, or a post-it note with a kind message you wrote on it. Anything to let them know you care, and you’re sorry. Research shows the disagreements are much less problematic if you can repair quickly and completely after a blow up.
4. Practice Self-compassion: Try not to be too hard on yourself. Practice speaking to yourself with kindness; like how you’d speak to a young child, or your best friend when they make a mistake.
Why This Matters
By mastering the Crank Call, you’ll:
Level Up Your Emotional Game: Just like playing a good video game, you can gamify your skills and level up, emotional IQ and communication skills in this case. Become the partner who actually owns their own emotions.
You Build Emotional Safety: Your partner knows they can talk to you about anything safely even when you’re a crank.
Win Major Karma Points: Someday, in a not so distant future, they may repay the favor by giving you a Crank Call back when they are a hot mess (it happens to all of us – we’re human!).
The next time you’re about to pee on the parade on your unsuspecting sweetheart, pause. Breathe. Make a quick and easy Crank Call (“This mood I’m in is all me. It’s not about you.”), then go regroup. Your spouse will (eventually) thank you, your relationship will get stronger, and you’ll avoid weeks of low level discomfort and stress.
Now get out there, communicate like the leveled up stud you are, and embrace your perfectly imperfect humanity—but, by all that’s good and holy, don’t make ‘em guess what mood you’re in!
Wanna Climb Higher Up The Happiness Hill ? Here’s Where To Begin Your Ascent:
😡 For info on Dr. John’s Ultimate Online Anger Management Class (which has over 20,000 graduates!), visit his High Performer Shop at https://guide-to-self.mykajabi.com/store
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🌱 Joree’s expert work on mindfulness, therapy & transformation (aka, the best therapist for women near you):
📸 For more info on the superb counseling Joree is doing with women who don’t want the next 20 years to be like the last 20, visit her site at
👉 https://MindfulnessAndTherapyCenter.com
💬 The top 10 podcast for women over 40:
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